D-day...on Tuesday...

I have the official word. Tuesday it is. I'm just ready for it to be over. ;) At least I'll know either way.

The Cat gets his cajones off tomorrow, and I'm plenty worried about that. We had a nightmare with the boy-dog, he had all sorts of complications. I hope it goes well. Because of Sphynx delicateness, we're using human anesthesia and not ketamine, so I feel better about that.

I might not post until next Tuesday, as I'll be Cat-hovering the entire weekend. I'll try, though. Otherwise, on Tuesday, raise a power salute my way, and I'll let you know what ends up happening.

Man I want it.

Epiphanies in Small, non-hairy packages

Last night I realized I was stressing myself into being sick - again. No sleep (or when I did, bizarre dreams), poor eating habits and an overload of too-powerful feelings about a job was doing me no good.

As I was sitting, clearing my mind and playing with the Cat, I realized: I can do nothing more about this job than I am already doing. I'm completing my assignments early, checking with everyone to see if they need help, and on completely friendly terms with everyone. I'm coming in at 9 am (after a commute of 2 hours) and working until 6 or so...earlier and later than the guy that has the job I replaced this month (he's on holiday, which is why I got the month of freelancing, and who had a commute of 1 hour and showed up at 10:30 daily).

I'm doing all. I. Can. Do.

So I sat, and got the Cat calmed down, and just thought about it. I have done all I can. I will speak to him today about possibly having a sit-down next Tuesday about whether they want me longer or not.

I can't make up his mind for him. He is his own person, and he makes it.

I am obsessing unhealthily about this. So I've got to stop. I looked at all the bonuses and perks of the job (salary, how much I like doing it, etc etc, HOW MUCH I WANT IT) and then I let it go. Or tried to. It's going to happen or not, and I'm doing all I can.

That's what I keep telling myself.

It worked with the sleep, at least: last night I slept entirely through the night and only got up at 7 (I had to work at the language school this am, I go to this job in the afternoon) which is much better than lately. The Cat was helpful enough to sleep entirely through the night as well, only waking up at 7 too.

So I'm trying to chill. I'm using the color idea of AZs to meditate, which seems to be the most beneficial for me thus far. The Cat being there always helps, and I see certain other house inhabitants out of the corners of my eye when I'm trying, so that helps too.

I write to calm down.

Goin' nuts?

Well, here it is, another day, another attempt to meditate. Last night I tried when I was in bed. The Cat had finished purring (he purrs about 20 minutes, I think he purrs himself to sleep) beside my head (he sleeps on my pillow up against my cheek) the hubs was snoring gently, arm flung over me, and I was warm in my little cocoon.

So I shut my eyes (I can't sleep lately anyway, more later) and envisioned a white light around me. Then, when I could see a consistent white light from head to toe, looking at myself with my third eye (at least I can tell that, it burns when I use it) I envisioned red healing energy washing over myself. After that had faded out, and it was white once again, I relaxed and just waited, listening to the little Cat and hubs breathing...it was pretty soothing.

It was better this time; I managed to work better with the colors, although I desperately want to meet my guides and learn more about them.

****

Update on the job: I am sick sick sick to get it. The people absolutely rock, I am busier than I ever have been at any other job AND the info is interesting. The client is huge, this agency does all their work worldwide, and it just has quality oozing out of it. I want it so frickin' bad I could burst.

This is such a class act. I go there in the morning (taking two hours to commute) entirely cheerfully. I work the entire day and I am busy. I leave reluctantly after 9-10 hours there. I can say I've never felt that about a job before.

Hopefully this week at the end I'll know if I get it or not (we were going to try for two weeks to see). I am absolutely terrified that I won't get it. I'm doing everything I can in my power to get it, I'm wondering if a little white spell might help boost it additionally.

Is this a false use of power? If not, I'm going to work something up tomorrow night when I have time.

I want it so bad I could cry.

*****
Last but not least: the Cat gets castrated this Friday and I'm worried about that too.

I AM A NERVOUS WRECK EEEEE.

I'm going to try and meditate tonight, perhaps that will help.

Sunday Sweetness

Awww. Everyone oughta stop and smell the flowers...

Imbolc -

So, how was yours?

I was stuck in a train for 3 hours. I got home (with the hubs) and we cuddled the Cat, who was quite happy with all the attention.

I lit a candle, and we watched the Simpsons. (Little random but still nice).

The Cat and I said a prayer for the gods of field and forest to wake up (although they haven't really been too deeply asleep this year, I think) and set bird food out on the windowsill. I left Eli some peanut m&ms, and then we all got in bed and snuggled together. (minus the house fairy of course, although I think he was in the room)

A nice, nice night.

Oh, and congratulations to GRANDMA!!

The hare in my head

Lately, (the past few days) I've been seeing hares and rabbits everywhere - live ones (hopping), in my dreams, as symbols...everywhere. I try to keep my eyes open to the world I live in (and not just the stars) now, and so I did notice them all. I'm proud of that, at least.

I've been looking into the Celtic myths containing hares - it seems the hare was beloved of Cerridwen, and Nemain.

I've never been one to have affinities for particular gods or goddesses - I was more of a nature-gods type - but I wonder if I'm being contacted for a particular reason. To have support offered? To let me know I need to do something? It bothers me that I am unable to figure it out.

If I could meditate more, and know for sure those that showed up in my dreams were my guides (the raven, the cat, the dog) maybe I could be able to ask. This is frustrating - I don't know enough!

I'm also planning to try AZs recommendation of sitting and clearing my head, petting the Cat. He usually is able to calm me down through his solid presence. I really want to figure this meditation thing out.

So how do you - meditate?

I've come to believe that I do not understand the process of meditation.

I do the breathing in, breathing out, I follow my consciousness deeper into my body, I try to settle and calm, but I don't think I'm getting it - and I feel myself getting progressively more and more worked up, my thoughts going insane and twirling in my head like autumn leaves - what am I doing wrong? So that I evenutally give up, angry, and go to pet the Cat instead.

What am I doing wrong? Am I giving up too early? I think sometimes I have a disadvantage here that I can't just go into the bookstore and buy a book - these sort of books (books important to me) I must have in English. I don't want to try and muddle through with my reading level of German. I'd just get more fed up.

So - how do you do it? How long do you give it? (LOL) Does it happen immediately? Slower?

Can you recommend any good books?

I really think, with the stresses of the next two weeks (I must impress the socks off the people in the next two weeks to get the job) I need a way to calm my mind, and this is the best way to do it (other than petting the Cat, who cannot come with me every day).