Pity party? You betcha

Darnit all, I'm frustrated.

This morning a crow called out to me. How do I know me? He was sitting directly across from my bus stop staring straight at me.

What do I think he was saying?

"What are you doing, celtic female? You are wasting your life and your health through commuting! Find a room already - you need to get back to your religion!"

So true.

I've tried the train-thinking on it, writing on it, but it seems like I'm sinking into a tired, commuting slug. I'm getting fat, I don't see the cat and I am sitting on a train for five hours a day.

I've got to find a room. I'm looking, it is just not easy.

I miss searching inside myself for answers. I've had the same subject that I want to write about for days now but I can't get past the beginning without falling asleep.

On top of that, I think I'm getting sick. AND I have PMS. GRRR:

I'm waiting to hear back from a realtor about this one room. Honestly, if there are no holes in it, odd things or whatnot, I'm totally going to take it.

I am so over this and so FRUSTRATED.

Bleh

Our new cat fell through. Literally. Mum doesn't want him to fly from Britain to the great scary land of Europe, so.

Never fear, it's as if it should have happened. The breeder of my Cat contacted me on Friday. She has a returned Sphynx from her breeding. Why returned? The owner found out someone in the house had been ABUSING her cat. What did she do about this?

Nothing.

Just called the breeder to shove the cat onto her. Cow. It makes me wonder at the hearts of these individuals, honestly.

So we're getting a blue two-year-old cousin instead. Poor baby.

Law of Attraction

I haven't been able to check my favourite blogs ALL WEEK. Sigh. Hate that. Only negative thing about working like mad.

But I got caught up...and interested...by the buzz about the law of attraction as hidden in the Secret DVD. Have you seen it? I've long heard of it - I'm a copywriter, and all the freelancers were going nuts about it, it's magic, gonna save their lives, make em millionaires, etc....um hmmm.

BUT I must say, I found more sense about the Law of Attraction - as well as Gratitude - on the Steve Pavlina site....under here. He's a really interesting mix of self-employed do it yourself with new age tendencies...you've got lucid dreaming cheek-by-jowl with 10 stupid things self employeds do. Veeeedddy interesting.

Anyway, he's got it right, and I think Slade, who I agree with on manytopics and respect, has a lot of good things to say here.

What the Law of Attraction comes down to, to me, is this: what you send out into the world is going to come back your way. What you project is going to return. I'm not always 100% believing in karma, but I think that you are responsible for your own attitude and your outlook on the world. If you need a Law of Attraction written down in words to help you achieve it, then fine. But look into your soul and see if you don't have it written there in your thoughts.

I think you'll find it.

Happy Oestara!

Happy Oestara, everybody! The sun has crossed the equator and is now happily shining over what appears to be a lovely spring day.

Whee!

Take a moment to send some gratitude out to the ancestors and the universe, and have a great day!

Genhywfar and the Cat

Last one for today, I promise

I thought I'd give you an update on the train thing.

The aura imagining thing is working really well: I additionally ground myself into the core of the earth, as the ground is just too confusing for my head when the train is going.

I additionally had a visit from the faery inside my head about the train thing, who's mantra (through the entire night's dream, it was again, horrible) was that it was ALL IN MY HEAD.

I was creating my reality, I was doing this to myself, and only myself could "cure" me.

So I've been working on that, and hopefully it'll help.

Tarot work

I've had lots of time this week on the train and I've spent it by handling my little tarot deck of Fairies...picking a card per day...waiting on the book I ordered from the UK to get here about the tarot.

It is QUITE a good book! It talks about the history, the cards, how to get to know them, how to learn how to read them, etc. In fact, it made so much sense, that I've decided to learn each card in the way they talk about, and I feel really strongly about it being the right way for me todo it.

How does this work? Well, to put the cards in order (major and minor arcana) and then go through them one at a time, thinking about each card, it's significance, how I feel about the card when I look at it, hold it, think about it, and writing it down. My new journal will do admirably for this job.

The authors' premise is that you must first allow your intuition to learn the cards and merge with them properly, and that there are no "evil" or bad cards...there are just many meanings of them.

It makes me really excited, and so I'm going to work on it this week.

I also received (finally) a ring I had purchased for the hubby some time ago. It's ogham, a ring of peace, and I thought it would help him focus for his PHD studies. I'm planning on doing a really nice ritual onthe night of the next dark moon (before the Solstice Oestern) and sending lots of calming power and energy into it: here's a pic of it:Isn't it nice? I'm dancing with impatience until I can give it to him, and he probably won't understand the significance of it, but at least he'll have it. It's a really nice ring.

And (baby) makes four...

No, not a human baby. I'm trying to make up for the entire week of nothing with a few posts, to fill you in on where I'm at and what I'm doing.

Here is one part of what I have been doing. Meet our new boy. Right now, his name is Mischief. I'm calling him Ziggy in my head, but I'm sure he'll have a new name when he comes to us.

As I'm preparing to move to Cologne, I've been looking at (simultaneously) new rooms and new cats. ;) The Cat needs a friend, as the parents will no longer be there during the day to come up and talk to him, and besides, I just don't want him to be sad. We had always planned to have two, so they could keep each other company.

Ziggy comes from England, from a friend of mine there, and as she had his brother too, and I was looking for an older boy (the Cat is a total hard-partier, he'd annhialate a kitten) she offered him.

He has a blocked tear duct, which will mean some watching, but hey, he's a total love bug AND, most importantly, the hubs likes him alot.

So I guess he's ours.

Once we get moved in and settled, he'll fly in, hubs'll take a week off, and we'll all get down to bonding.

Good times, good times.

Leedle Survey!

Hello!

A short disclaimer: this has absolutely nothing to do with witchery, etc. This is purely a survey I want to know for myself. I also will say: it's a personal thing, and if you feel up to giving your opinion, I'd love to hear it.

There is a little dispute going on at the Genhywfar household(s). Namely this:

The hubs thinks that, as sex is fun, it should be shared. Meaning: If the opportunity comes up for random hookups then, the man should go for it. He quoted me that men think on average about sex every 45 seconds. I'd concur with that.

I think that sex is special and should not be handed around like candy to everyone willing to have a bite of you. I think that most females (if not all!) think of sex as a special bond with a man, and if they have sex one time with him, the bond is already being formed. That, as a female, the female goes for the relationship. And as such, if the man sleeps around, sooner or later he's going to have a Fatal Attraction on his hands.

This is about a friend of mine...she lives in Czech, is very devoted to her husband but found out that he has been sleeping around on her. Always with different women (ONE OF WHICH CALLED, which is how she found out) and only one time. But at least 4 times. She feels betrayed and hurt, which I can completely understand, and now her husband has a stalker.

Pretty picture? Nope. Hence the (above) discussion.

I'd really like to know what you think about this subject. In the hubs' camp? Or in mine? He firmly believes that there are women out there that are just promiscuous...and I think he's been reading too many fairy tales.

Your thoughts?

Ob da debil

Did you ever watch the Waterboy? Classic Adam Sandler.

Anyway, his mama has the ultimate downer "that's why, just accept it" when she says "xx is Ob Da Debil" (of the devil, fur you northerners).

I am in complete accord with mama Sandler about trains.

Trains are ob da debil. The Christian kind, because no pagan devil would be so cruel.

I've recently discovered I have an issue about trains; namely, I'm panicking the entire time in between Cologne (where I work) and the Train station (where I take the train to Dortmund), then I'm panicking on the train and can't sleep to Dortmund, then I panic in Dortmund to get the street train to where I live.

Two point five hours of panic is not cool.

I know why I panic: I'm afraid I'll miss the train. What will happen that is bad if I miss the train? You name it, natural disasters, I'll lose my job, the Cat will die, etc etc etc.

It makes absolutely no sense, but there it is.

I'm pretty sick of it by now. Yesterday I was reading on Blogical (sidebar) about feelings and auras, and wondered: am I not grounding myself enough when I get on the train? Are everybodys feelings rubbing off onto me? Maybe it's not me, but its just being dumped on me?

It was a valid question. I didn't have enough time to research it yesterday, but today I nought my first "outed" book. Your aura and your chakras, a guide. It had good reviews, we'll see how it really is.

I also practiced (the entire train trip) grounding myself and imaging my aura not merging or touching anybody elses, and I imagined it blue, for calm. It seemed to work; I felt a little calmer. I'm going to work on this this week and see what can be done with it.

I find myself jumping around a little in between subjects, and I don#t like that all that well. So I'm going to try and focus on this, then on something else...maybe that will be more efficient than a hodge-podge of stuff...we'll see.

How you doing? Been on a train lately? Grrr.

My friend is dead.

My friend is dead.

I came home tonight to find him gone.

I've known him for almost five years now; stalwart and strong, he stood across from the parents house with his brown bark and green furtree care...I didn't know German then. It didn't matter. I wasn't accepting of myself then. It didn't matter. He brought out the hidden parts of me even before I acknowledged them.

I'd come to care for him deeply since November...crossing the street to touch a branch, and send him a thought full of my love. I know he returned it. I would get tingles in my hand, his love token back.

Last night, I went over to him. It was late; I'd worked until 730 and didn't get home til 10, but he was watching for me. I was so tired, but not too tired to say hello. I went up and touched his green hand gently; he sent me a tingle in return. I sent him fondest thoughts, then went inside to the Cat and sleep.

Tonight, he is gone. I looked, as I always do, and missed a step.

He wasn't there.

I went and put my shopping on the porch, and walked over to where he had stood for so long. Sap oozed out his damaged trunk; soft whispers of him lay scattered on the ground, forgotten.

My poor tree.

They cut him down. He's dying now, slowly, agonizingly.

I can't stand it.

I picked up a small part of him that lay, alone, on the ground. The little part now stands at his funeral stand, in front of my candles all lit.

If you have a moment, put aside your cares and think of my poor friend.

I'm so sad.

Fun on the train

Well. Tonight I had to wait for an hour (bringing my total amount of on train time to 6.5 hours today, blech) in the train, as some kids were playing on the tracks. Playing.

And let me tell you, this is easy compared to the chaps that *jump in front of it* regularly in the winter. Jeez.

But guess what I did when I was waiting on the train?

Played with my new tarot deck.

That's right. First one ever.

I was in Leipzig last weekend (as you all know) and happened to go into the regular bookstore, where they had a huge selection of tarot card decks. The faery one (a miniature deck) jumped out at me, and so I took it (them??) home.

The illustrations are okay...at first I thought they were a little hokey but as the deck all but jumped in my hand, I didn't have an opportunity or possibility to take another. I was going off signs and the signs said to take that one.

I figure I'll play with it some more...move the cards around in my hands...read about what they represent, and try the daily card for awhile to get the hang of it. They feel warm and safe in my hands, so I'm assuming I got a good deck.

Any tarot books you can recommend?

Silver on my palm

I don't know what your feelings about psychics are. Mine were definitely ambigious for a large portion of my life - "what hacks" I thought (in my less aware states BP (Before Pagan)). But once I decided to go down the path, I wanted to give them a shot.

I found Erin through the Druid Journal, a lovely blog that I regularly go to for a more Druidic perspective. Before I thought about it, I read her blog, logged into Paypal and sent her money for a phone reading. Man was I nervous. I got an email back from her, asking for a time, and we talked a little on the email - me mostly trying to transfer my absolute fright over the internet. I mean, what happens if I don't have any guides? What happens if she reads me and finds out I'm a totally bad person (like my family tried to instill in me) what happens if she's a fraud?

Anyway, I waited with trepidation for the day it was. And so it began.

She called me, and talked to me for a little bit (mainly, "calm down, it's not horrible" kind of stuff.) She went quiet for a bit, and then she started.

"Your guides" (I exulted - I HAD GUIDES!!!) are sending me a picture of hot chocolate." (WTF?)

As we talked, it became clear that part of the reason I was here was to help my husband rediscover his joy and how to handle his emotions (she confirmed, as I suspected, that we were planned to be together. Such a nice feeling) That was a big part, and then she interrupted herself.

"wait - what is this about your mother??" I fell into a nervous panic. "What do you mean?"

She said my guides said that something I would have to relearn for myself was the fact that my parents lived in a fear place - tried to bring everything down to their level - and that NOTHING THEY DID - not the lack of love, the neglect, the other things - WAS MY FAULT.

By this time of course I was totally crying soundlessly, helplessly. My heart was burning. She said that was because my heart chakra had been closed, and was prised open a bit from our discussion. She said it was most important for me at this point to try and open my heart chakra, and to work on that. She recommende dexercises from her husbands and her blog, and said that I should try to work on that.

With the latest development - my subconsious faery and his litany of a couple nights ago - I believe she's right, and I've really got to work on that. I doN't know what happens when you open the heart chakra but I'm totally planning on doing it. This dream I had will help me, I think...those emotions were definite, powerful, overwhelming ones that affected me deeply.

I had a dream...

Man, last night was a doozy.

I'd just come to Leipzig to visit the hubs here (the Cat stays with Oma and Opa on these weekends) and I was of course, tired. I've been working (when I can, mostly in the train and at night before I go to sleep) on myself and trying to open my heart chakra, which seems to have a permanent closure tab pressed. (The psychic also told me about this, which was interesting, but more on that later).

So when I went to sleep last night, I was greeted by the sight of my old home (the one I grew up in) and I was the age around 13 or so. Bad things were happening during this time that I had no control of and no outside adult wanted to address. I ended up having an all-night conversation with my mother, one of those more outside people that wanted to ignore what was happening with my father. Shame on her, eternal shame, but there it is.

What I hadn't planned on (before going to bed that night, but then again, when do you ever plan for that?) was the return and overwhelming rush of feelings and emotions I had during that time. I had blocked this, frankly, around 15 and this entire part of my life was a black spot with murky clouds. But last night, I remembered them, and relived them again.

The hurt, the fear, the frustration, the feeling of being a second-class person in my family. The unwanted one.

I sat on the bed at a part of the dream and relived all the ignores and slights of my childhood - again, blocked out - and it was horrible. At this point I realized I had a little green faery on my shoulder, who, once he knew I was aware of him, started dispassionately pointing out all the emotional and natural problems I had - as if he was seeing all m inside thoughts. Such as, "here was the point where you became linked to animals and forever left humans behind", and "here was the point you gave up on people loving you" and on and on. It seemed to last days, and he pointed out all the problems I have today stem from this time in my life (the psychic also said this, but more on it later).

He struggled to keep me in the dream just as much as I struggled to be out of it, and finally I succeeded. I woke up and just started to cry. The hubs asked what happened, and I told him through my gasps and tears. To live through those emotions - when I had really locked them away and blocked them from my mind - was so overpowering.

I wanted of course to know why this happened now, when everything seems to be going so well for me. His thought (he's a wise boy) was that it is exactly because of this happiness and pride in myself that my unconscious decided to look at this time of my life. I'd already worked through the father abuse with him (my hubs is an empathetic holy man, one day I know he'll turn pagan) and he thought this was a really good step for me.

I think I need to meditate on it more, but the main things I took from it was the realization that my heart was tied to this part of my life, and this is when it closed. This is also the time that my creative energies were seriously blocked and never really recovered. So I need to meditate to bring this part more in focus and realize it was NOT my fault, nothing that happened, and I can't help the fact that I wasn't wanted by them.

Cause the hubs is right: now I'm wanted: by him, the Cat, the parents, my friends...now I am a wanted and valuable person. I'm sure at one point I'll be happy I had this dream, but I have never had such a dream as this, or such a faery visit me. I wonder at it.

Now I'm just exhausted, tho. Have you ever had any dream like this?