I had a dream...

Man, last night was a doozy.

I'd just come to Leipzig to visit the hubs here (the Cat stays with Oma and Opa on these weekends) and I was of course, tired. I've been working (when I can, mostly in the train and at night before I go to sleep) on myself and trying to open my heart chakra, which seems to have a permanent closure tab pressed. (The psychic also told me about this, which was interesting, but more on that later).

So when I went to sleep last night, I was greeted by the sight of my old home (the one I grew up in) and I was the age around 13 or so. Bad things were happening during this time that I had no control of and no outside adult wanted to address. I ended up having an all-night conversation with my mother, one of those more outside people that wanted to ignore what was happening with my father. Shame on her, eternal shame, but there it is.

What I hadn't planned on (before going to bed that night, but then again, when do you ever plan for that?) was the return and overwhelming rush of feelings and emotions I had during that time. I had blocked this, frankly, around 15 and this entire part of my life was a black spot with murky clouds. But last night, I remembered them, and relived them again.

The hurt, the fear, the frustration, the feeling of being a second-class person in my family. The unwanted one.

I sat on the bed at a part of the dream and relived all the ignores and slights of my childhood - again, blocked out - and it was horrible. At this point I realized I had a little green faery on my shoulder, who, once he knew I was aware of him, started dispassionately pointing out all the emotional and natural problems I had - as if he was seeing all m inside thoughts. Such as, "here was the point where you became linked to animals and forever left humans behind", and "here was the point you gave up on people loving you" and on and on. It seemed to last days, and he pointed out all the problems I have today stem from this time in my life (the psychic also said this, but more on it later).

He struggled to keep me in the dream just as much as I struggled to be out of it, and finally I succeeded. I woke up and just started to cry. The hubs asked what happened, and I told him through my gasps and tears. To live through those emotions - when I had really locked them away and blocked them from my mind - was so overpowering.

I wanted of course to know why this happened now, when everything seems to be going so well for me. His thought (he's a wise boy) was that it is exactly because of this happiness and pride in myself that my unconscious decided to look at this time of my life. I'd already worked through the father abuse with him (my hubs is an empathetic holy man, one day I know he'll turn pagan) and he thought this was a really good step for me.

I think I need to meditate on it more, but the main things I took from it was the realization that my heart was tied to this part of my life, and this is when it closed. This is also the time that my creative energies were seriously blocked and never really recovered. So I need to meditate to bring this part more in focus and realize it was NOT my fault, nothing that happened, and I can't help the fact that I wasn't wanted by them.

Cause the hubs is right: now I'm wanted: by him, the Cat, the parents, my friends...now I am a wanted and valuable person. I'm sure at one point I'll be happy I had this dream, but I have never had such a dream as this, or such a faery visit me. I wonder at it.

Now I'm just exhausted, tho. Have you ever had any dream like this?