Pan I believe in magic

I realize that posts are a little hit and miss right now; for that, I apologize. I seem to be getting the hang of getting up so early, so maybe it'll be better.

Have you watched Pan's Labyrinth yet? Yes? No?

If not, getcha butt in there. It's amazing.

Better bloggers than me have reviewed it, but let me say: the background story is fantastic (to my eternal shame, I knew nothing about what happened in Spain during WWII) and really brought you into the story. The faeries (you'll see) and the man with an eye problem (ditto) were good, but let me tell you what stole the show:

Pan.

Pan as in, the old earth dweller with goat horns and legs. Absolutely stunning. I haven't seen anything to compare to that old man in cinema ever, almost. I can't put it into words, but he was a perfect representation of what I would envision Pan to look like: part of the earth, vines growing, and spirals decorating. Just brilliant. Every time he came on I was mesmerized.

I dragged the hubs along, as I really wanted him to see it, and he thought the world of Pan, too. Man.

I'm going to try and find a screenshot of him that I can put as the background to my computer screen. I think he's beautiful.

(WARNING: Do NOT take your kids to see this movie. It's very realistic, and very grown-up, and has some horrendous scenes. *shivers*)

Revelations

I was never one to count my worth by a job, but I never fully realized just how much I was letting myself down through them. What do I mean? I've been a pretty opportunistic (read: not picky) worker: I picked the job that was easily available. It didn't hurt when I was younger, but what I didn't think about was that those jobs would pigeon-hole me into a sector, and I'd be screwed.

It became worse once I came to Germany, and realized how strongly they focus on degrees (read: almost nothing else is looked at. Maybe, *maybe* your experience. Maybe)
I've found my mistake out now, tho. This job is perfect for me - perfect. I feel my creative self being used for the first time in my job (and not just outside it), I look around me now with pleasure, I see and feel my way.

Of course there are downers: five hour commute daily, staying late, keeps me from the hubs and the Cat, can't really post so daily anymore. But somehow it's okay, it's dealable, when the job makes sense and brings me this kind of satisfaction. I didn't think it was possible - holy cow, I have a career now.

The pure change from subdued, slightly resentful worker to active, intelligent coworker is some sort of dreamlike thing. There are ways to deal with those downers: I'm looking into a little brother for the Cat, to keep him from being so lonely; the hubs gets to fly instead of ride a train for five hours every week; I've got the ultimate train card that lets me ride any train I can get, and I'll move to Köln here sometime; writing the blog posts on the train...

For me, the positives far outweigh the negatives (at least for now, LOL). I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished (I taught myself this path from scratch and tears, and it took some time). Together with my witchy way, my Cat and the hubs, and this job, I feel ... happy. Truly happy. It's unbelievable. First time in my life.

It even helps my witch path in positive ways. Amazing.

What a switch, for this witch.

The Samhain Faery ring

During University, I worked at a polo club for one of the upper-class members and lived in a barn apartment there on the farm during the winter (insert dirty house joke here). I particularly liked living here, because at night I could take my dog and wander out through the polo fields down to the small forest that bordered the river.

I did it lots.

I've always loved Samhain - something about the moon on that night always made me want to be out in it. This Samhain I'm thinking of was no different, but I did go alone - no dog.

The night was already black by the time I went out, and the moon hung full and heavy, orange: a hunters moon. It was windy, tho - the trees bordering the club whipped around on their trunks, and for a long while it was really howling.

When I was walking across the fields, I kept hearing music in bits and snatches, as it was swept away by the wind. There are lots of houses bordering one side of the club, so I just assumed that hey, that's what it was, and kept on walking, 'til:

I saw a fairy ring. Wide (about 2 feet by 2 feet) with perfectly exact little toadstools all about 2-2.5 inches high, in a small yet perfect ring. I was really shocked - it was directly in the middle of the polo field, and glowed ever-so-slightly (just the light of the moon bouncing off the white of the toadstools, I nervously said to myself) and certainly wasn't there earlier in the night. It wasn't muggy, hadn't rained - there was *no reason* for this ring to be here!

Freaked out? You betcha.

So what did this idiot do? Took a deep breath and stepped into it, and gently sat down.

The wind was quieter, and I could hear the singing and music. It wasn't normal music tho, there seemed to be harps or guitars or something - acoustic, if you will. It was a big party tho - whatever they were doing, they were doing it with a vengeance. I just sat there, looking around.

Then I saw five tall, white (or grey, very insubstantial) robed shapes silently watching me from outside the circle, about seven feet away. Their robes weren't moving with the wind, you couldn't see their faces or their hands, but they were there, watching. The cowls of their robes were pointed my way.

I think I probably jumped about 3 feet in the air. I fell back to earth with a crash (I mean, I was really kind of just giddy-chilly if you know what I mean, just relaxing and checking out the view from inside the circle) and got up, standing, inside the circle. I looked down, and my cloak wasn't blowing, it was still.

I wanted to be with them so badly, suddenly. This weird urge just came up over me, so strong. Had to go, get to them, had to catch them and go where they were going. As soon as I realized that, they started to move away, very fleet and light - their robes rippled very slowly with the passing of the wind. I leapt out of the circle and followed them.

Now, looking back, I don't think I was in quite the right mind. My irish grandmother had filled me full of stories about the "little people" and what they did to people they caught, and I'd been blatantly sitting in their ring on Samhain night - not the most intelligent thing to do. But hey, there it was, and I was moon blinded or something. And they weren't little people, they were tall.

So I chased them madly through the woods, never getting closer than five feet (they did seem to be staying in sight deliberately). Finally, I had to stop; I was so tired. The last bit of music I could hear drifted after them, and vanished into the night.

I made my way back to my mundane existence slowly and with great reluctance. I had almost met and talked with something that was so beyond me, but I didn't have the stamina. I was so depressed.

When I got home, I took a shower and examined all the horrible scrapes and bruises I'd accumulated, then passed out and went to sleep. I didn't wake up 200 years later, or find out my entire family had died, but it was still very odd to wake up and think about what I'd seen.

I still don't know what those tall shapes were, or why they were watching me. I don't know why I went into the faery ring, but I did. I still have no answers for it, I just wrack it up to something I had to see by someone. Any thoughts?

If they would have asked me if I wanted to come, I probably would have gone. Scary.

Goodness!

So this morning I'm free of any type of work (until 3 pm, that is) and I've been doing one of my absolute favourite-est things in the world: net surfing while the Cat twitches, dreaming, in his CatSack.

Honestly. I love it.

I also really like the WildHunt Blog. He opens up worlds within Paganism that I sometimes find completely amazing, yet somehow believable.

Case in point: Otherkin.

Do you know what they are? Humans that believe that they are: elves, angels, dragons, trolls, animals, etc. Not just think they are. They are that creature locked into a human body. It's absolutely fascinating.

Me, in my ditziness, never even dreamed something like that was out there. I mean, it does make sense. You can be whatever you wanna be in my book, as long as you don't hurt anybody doing it. I spent some time going through websites linked to the Otherkin this morning, and well, the people do resemble their favourites (one case in particular, a long tall rangy skinny chap with a honking nose and flame-red hair believed himself to be a dragon. It was no feat of imagination to envision him as one. Logical, really, right?).

And you know what? Who am I to say "nope, can't be" for them? I mean, c'mon, I live with a fairy named Eli, a Cat that talks to me, a world filled with sparkling brightness where I am a native walker therein. Many would think I'm nuts!

It's just amazing, the diversity.

Back to the webpage. But take a look and see what you think. BTW - what is your position on Otherkin? Do you think they belong within the Pagan sphere or somewhere outside it?

Ah, it's the little things

Just sitting here searching through flats in Köln, where the new job is. It's bloddy expensive, moreso than I thought. It's a gigantic gigantic city, and I'm going to live there (giddy). Probably in 4-5 months, at least.

The world being what it is today, I'm having serious issues thinking about buying a car. The hubs wants one, he believes we need it. I'm not so sure, as a) I really have gotten used to not paying for them LOL b) they are so *dirty* to the world, and c) they're expensive to buy!

So, just for fun, I was searching through the internet and I think I'm in love:



Only problem is I don't know how to drive it. It's a Vespa, 50 ccs, so it's small, and versatile. They drive them here lots, tho less than in Italy, I must say. I'm enamoured with the idea of driving it.

But then, being me, I'd want cute retro helmets and stuff, and I dont know if I can find it. If I can, I'm going to prepare an argument and then I'm hitting hubs up.

I'm off to search for helmets. More deep thoughts coming tomorrow. ;)

Clair-things

I regularly skip through the internet, picking up things here and there. This was one of the coolest sites I have found (thanks Jeff).

Shift your spirits is a website set up by a man that is a psychic and used to do readings for people, but then was set on a different path - to actually teach people how to do it themselves. I've read everything in his blog (which I do sometimes, if I find it particularly interesting) and one post jumped out at me.

This post discussed Clairaudience.

Think about it: when you read emails from people, or a book, or a magazine article, or whatever (as long as it's written word) whose voice do you hear? Yours? Stop and think about it.

I can say I hear totally different voices for those I read *depending*. On what? My level of involvement in the reading material, how long I've been reading things from them, etc. Last night I went back to my favourite blogs and read through them all, getting a particularly different voice from each (and writing down my impressions of the voice I was hearing). I then went to my two favourite books and read them. Each is different!

What I wonder is if the voices I hear in my head are the voices of you guys out there. I would love to create an experiment and read a blog, then call you, to compare what I heard in my head vs the ear.

Wouldn't that be interesting?

A short thanks

Well, mission accomplished! Part-time job advised that the weather is turning, new job accepted, feelin' good. I'll probably move the family in three or four months, which isn't so horrible as I'll pay a pretty penny to ride the really fast trains during the week. That should make it nicer.

It's such a tremendous weight off. I'm just so purely happy I can hardly stand it.

I have lots of posts and ideas running around in my head, and since I have a 1.5 hour train ride morning and night, I've decided I'll write them up (on paper if need be, but soon I'm getting a MAC!!) and post them at night or at lunch. I have lots to do there (does happy jig) so I can't do it now like I was used to.

It got me thinking about what Autumn Zephyr said at her blog about her THING. It's a totally good question...I managed to do something in University that got me absolutely nowhere (Journalism and PR) but then screwed around and didn't do anything that was particularly my thing for a long time. I was rather a free spirit.

I'm only just getting into my thing since I've been in Germany and really looked at my options. What is my thing? You're going to laugh, but really, this job is the perfect example of my thing: Writing. Editing. English. I've had a love affair with words from the time I was tiny, and it doesn't show any signs of abating, thankfully.

My other thing tho is my personal time. Like AZ, I'm many things...artist, reader, flute and bassoon player, runner, animal lover, owned by a Cat. Witch. Those last two things become very important to me, since I've "come out". I couldn't do any of those on their own, but when meshed with the whole I find I'm entirely satisfied with the way that my life is turning out.

Now if I could just get the hubs in the same city as me. But we'll figure it out at one point. Just another thing to work on.

** update: the meditation thing is moving but slowly. The visualization is the best way to go here, and I have a post on that in my head, too....

Hugs to you all!

whee -

I

GOT

IT.

I

GOT

IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh holy gods and little fishies, I got it.

More tomorrow. Officially on cloud 9!

WHEEEEE

A Monday morning poem

I turn around, around,
I salute you, four corners.
I salute you, wind.
I salute you, rain.
I salute you, sun.
I salute you, earth.

I feel your power.

I send you love, my hubs,
I send you love, my Cat,
I send you love, my boy-dog,
I send you love, my friends,
I send you love, my Earth,

I'm sending you my power.

Freedom in the air,
Optimism is glowing.

We all share the power, we all are One.

- anonymous (adapted)

Well, Eli'll be happy

Faerie: Aren't you a cute little flying person? Faeries are earth spirits. They live among each element completely hidden. They have cousins called Pixies. Pixies however, are very mischevious. They enjoy tormenting other creatures for fun. Little pranksters.. I hope you never meet one. Pixies have a bad reputation for finding a creature and clinging to them until death. Faeries can be somewhat close to a Pixie, but mostly they are loving, playful, and carry with them a child-like enthusiasm for life. Hide among the pedals of a Daisy, you are a Faerie.

Thanks, Steph, for the fun Sunday stuff!

He's an IT!

Well, the Cat took his castration in his standard method of not having it affect him (I think I was more concerned).

He came out of the anesthesia perfectly, and was playing in hours. He's fine now, and thanks you all for your thoughts.

D-day...on Tuesday...

I have the official word. Tuesday it is. I'm just ready for it to be over. ;) At least I'll know either way.

The Cat gets his cajones off tomorrow, and I'm plenty worried about that. We had a nightmare with the boy-dog, he had all sorts of complications. I hope it goes well. Because of Sphynx delicateness, we're using human anesthesia and not ketamine, so I feel better about that.

I might not post until next Tuesday, as I'll be Cat-hovering the entire weekend. I'll try, though. Otherwise, on Tuesday, raise a power salute my way, and I'll let you know what ends up happening.

Man I want it.

Epiphanies in Small, non-hairy packages

Last night I realized I was stressing myself into being sick - again. No sleep (or when I did, bizarre dreams), poor eating habits and an overload of too-powerful feelings about a job was doing me no good.

As I was sitting, clearing my mind and playing with the Cat, I realized: I can do nothing more about this job than I am already doing. I'm completing my assignments early, checking with everyone to see if they need help, and on completely friendly terms with everyone. I'm coming in at 9 am (after a commute of 2 hours) and working until 6 or so...earlier and later than the guy that has the job I replaced this month (he's on holiday, which is why I got the month of freelancing, and who had a commute of 1 hour and showed up at 10:30 daily).

I'm doing all. I. Can. Do.

So I sat, and got the Cat calmed down, and just thought about it. I have done all I can. I will speak to him today about possibly having a sit-down next Tuesday about whether they want me longer or not.

I can't make up his mind for him. He is his own person, and he makes it.

I am obsessing unhealthily about this. So I've got to stop. I looked at all the bonuses and perks of the job (salary, how much I like doing it, etc etc, HOW MUCH I WANT IT) and then I let it go. Or tried to. It's going to happen or not, and I'm doing all I can.

That's what I keep telling myself.

It worked with the sleep, at least: last night I slept entirely through the night and only got up at 7 (I had to work at the language school this am, I go to this job in the afternoon) which is much better than lately. The Cat was helpful enough to sleep entirely through the night as well, only waking up at 7 too.

So I'm trying to chill. I'm using the color idea of AZs to meditate, which seems to be the most beneficial for me thus far. The Cat being there always helps, and I see certain other house inhabitants out of the corners of my eye when I'm trying, so that helps too.

I write to calm down.

Goin' nuts?

Well, here it is, another day, another attempt to meditate. Last night I tried when I was in bed. The Cat had finished purring (he purrs about 20 minutes, I think he purrs himself to sleep) beside my head (he sleeps on my pillow up against my cheek) the hubs was snoring gently, arm flung over me, and I was warm in my little cocoon.

So I shut my eyes (I can't sleep lately anyway, more later) and envisioned a white light around me. Then, when I could see a consistent white light from head to toe, looking at myself with my third eye (at least I can tell that, it burns when I use it) I envisioned red healing energy washing over myself. After that had faded out, and it was white once again, I relaxed and just waited, listening to the little Cat and hubs breathing...it was pretty soothing.

It was better this time; I managed to work better with the colors, although I desperately want to meet my guides and learn more about them.

****

Update on the job: I am sick sick sick to get it. The people absolutely rock, I am busier than I ever have been at any other job AND the info is interesting. The client is huge, this agency does all their work worldwide, and it just has quality oozing out of it. I want it so frickin' bad I could burst.

This is such a class act. I go there in the morning (taking two hours to commute) entirely cheerfully. I work the entire day and I am busy. I leave reluctantly after 9-10 hours there. I can say I've never felt that about a job before.

Hopefully this week at the end I'll know if I get it or not (we were going to try for two weeks to see). I am absolutely terrified that I won't get it. I'm doing everything I can in my power to get it, I'm wondering if a little white spell might help boost it additionally.

Is this a false use of power? If not, I'm going to work something up tomorrow night when I have time.

I want it so bad I could cry.

*****
Last but not least: the Cat gets castrated this Friday and I'm worried about that too.

I AM A NERVOUS WRECK EEEEE.

I'm going to try and meditate tonight, perhaps that will help.

Sunday Sweetness

Awww. Everyone oughta stop and smell the flowers...

Imbolc -

So, how was yours?

I was stuck in a train for 3 hours. I got home (with the hubs) and we cuddled the Cat, who was quite happy with all the attention.

I lit a candle, and we watched the Simpsons. (Little random but still nice).

The Cat and I said a prayer for the gods of field and forest to wake up (although they haven't really been too deeply asleep this year, I think) and set bird food out on the windowsill. I left Eli some peanut m&ms, and then we all got in bed and snuggled together. (minus the house fairy of course, although I think he was in the room)

A nice, nice night.

Oh, and congratulations to GRANDMA!!

The hare in my head

Lately, (the past few days) I've been seeing hares and rabbits everywhere - live ones (hopping), in my dreams, as symbols...everywhere. I try to keep my eyes open to the world I live in (and not just the stars) now, and so I did notice them all. I'm proud of that, at least.

I've been looking into the Celtic myths containing hares - it seems the hare was beloved of Cerridwen, and Nemain.

I've never been one to have affinities for particular gods or goddesses - I was more of a nature-gods type - but I wonder if I'm being contacted for a particular reason. To have support offered? To let me know I need to do something? It bothers me that I am unable to figure it out.

If I could meditate more, and know for sure those that showed up in my dreams were my guides (the raven, the cat, the dog) maybe I could be able to ask. This is frustrating - I don't know enough!

I'm also planning to try AZs recommendation of sitting and clearing my head, petting the Cat. He usually is able to calm me down through his solid presence. I really want to figure this meditation thing out.

So how do you - meditate?

I've come to believe that I do not understand the process of meditation.

I do the breathing in, breathing out, I follow my consciousness deeper into my body, I try to settle and calm, but I don't think I'm getting it - and I feel myself getting progressively more and more worked up, my thoughts going insane and twirling in my head like autumn leaves - what am I doing wrong? So that I evenutally give up, angry, and go to pet the Cat instead.

What am I doing wrong? Am I giving up too early? I think sometimes I have a disadvantage here that I can't just go into the bookstore and buy a book - these sort of books (books important to me) I must have in English. I don't want to try and muddle through with my reading level of German. I'd just get more fed up.

So - how do you do it? How long do you give it? (LOL) Does it happen immediately? Slower?

Can you recommend any good books?

I really think, with the stresses of the next two weeks (I must impress the socks off the people in the next two weeks to get the job) I need a way to calm my mind, and this is the best way to do it (other than petting the Cat, who cannot come with me every day).