It's official.

I've moved to wordpress.

The new blog is:


www.ganeshasgirl.wordpress.com

I'm all excited! Come and visit me there!

5 y-e-a-r-s

Hey!

Okay, I've been bad. But it's for a good reason.

Tomorrow, as of 12 am, I will have been in this country for 5 years. F-I-V-E. That's a long time. I went from a very naive, southern girl that ate only meat and potatoes and knew spanish to a girl that lives easily inside another culture, speaking German (which I never ever thought I would do) reading it, having a husband, some sphynx cats, and finding my way to buddhism.

That's right. I had to tell you.

It's been going on awhile, but the Reiki 1 and 2 attunements really speeded it up. It seems that it is really working for me at this point in my life, and the personal intervention from a certain god is also helping to pushthings along.

So I'm going to open a new blog. I'd love your comments about names, if you have any.

Hopefully it'll be up this week.

Welcome Back

Hi, dear readers!

Many new things happening here -

First off, I've finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And no, I won't be saying a word about any of the plot other than wow. What an excellent end to the book. I'm ready for everyone to finish so that we can all discuss it.

What an excellent book.

I'll be much more regular now - I've GOT A NEW JOB.

That's right. The old one was a total soul killer. The attitude and the everything just got me in the end. I've accepted a nice harmless Technical Writer position in Düsseldorf, which is an hour away. Part-y time. There is a good chance I will be home every day at 6.30. What extravagance.

Another excellent thing - the Dalai Lama is coming to Germany (Münster, about 30 minutes from where I live) in September. And I got a ticket! I'm very excited.

I'll write more tomorrow, just wanted to fill you in. I want to go read through the Harry Potter again.

Learning about Ganesha

I've been busy trying to better my situation around my job and life thing versus the heart, and I'm getting somewhere - I think. It seems to be being helped by my deity (yes, I've adopted him) Ganesha, that came to visit me at my Reiki II initiaion.

Since then, I have meditated every night and called him, and I have been answered once. He appeared in a golden palace with two females behind him. Again, dancing.

The thing is that I seem to get no sentences from him. Is it just that I'm not very good at this? I get feelings, and moods, and influence from him, just not on a talking level. Perhaps that is better, when I think about it. Words can always be misconstrued. But I'm working on it ask much as possible, and I feel much more light-hearted in my serach to better yself. I will let you know as soon as anything is decided.

I found some very interesting information about him, though. From Wikipedia:

Ganesha is worshipped as the lord of beginnings and as the lord of obstacles (Vighnesha),patron of arts and sciences, and the god of intellect and wisdom.He is honoured with affection at the start of any ritual or ceremony and invoked as the "Patron of Letters" at the beginning of any writing.

Little note - how cool is that that he is the patron of letters! Tailor-made for me, being a writer! How did I not know about him before?

I've found some books on him online, and will be ordering them - probably at the end of this month. In addition, I'm trying (when I have time) to read about him.

It turns out that he was married to two sisters that he won by feats of guile (which explains the two women behind him that were swaying). They do show him as having a belly, I didn't really see so much of a belly, but he was definitely short and stocky. And of a red hue.

I feel like there is a definitey connection - and that he came in at exactly the right moment to let me know he is there and supporting me. It is such a nice feeling.

If you read this tomorrow -

Think of me. I have something important tomorrow morning that means a lot, and I wish to get it. Keep your fingers crossed and send me whatever energy you can.

GO GEN!!!!

Visited by a God

So Saturday morning found me driving to my Reiki teacher to receive the second level of Reiki. I was stoked; going to see Einar always brings me lots of new insights and help, and this time was no exception. We talked about eh present job - how it has changed from the best thing ever into a mine field of the depths of the seven hells, although I have to deal with this and treat it as a group of lessons to be learned, and so on. He is so great.

So then we got down to the initiation of the second level. I shut the eyes, as normal, and prepared myself for the initiation ,when -

A door that opened to a place full of light opened in my mind. It was completely dark, when out dances this man with an elephant head. He was so so happy - that was the first thing I noticed about him - and the fact that he is dancing and was swaying and dancing around. He had an elephants head, but somehow I could see he was smiling.

He was SO HAPPY. Di I mention this? Just closing my eyes now and thinking back on it makes me grin like a fool. Why was he happy? We didn't get that part. He stayed until he determined the initiaion needed to be over, then he waved, made a motion like he would see me later and to wait here, then followed the others back into the room, dancing all the while. The door closed.

Thinking back on it, I distinctly also remember aBuddha being there, and perhaps twinges of a man with a beard, but all my attention was caught and held by this man with the elephant head.

So Einar finished, went over and sat down, while I opened my eyes and came back to the here and now. With no further ado, he said, who was there? I was a little shocked - I thought only I could see him, but I explained to Einar what I had seen and what had gone on while he was initiating me. He grinned really big, and said, I knew someone was there, and their energy was way big, and I think he was also there the first time - but this is the first time you can see him. He was showing himself t you today to let you know you are not alone in what is coming up.

He explained that now that I am on this path I am on, and had seen him - he actually had a name for this man with the elephant head - Ganesha - I didn't really have a choice. I was on a higher level and needed to continue, and my world would be changed in ways I never expected. We talked about responsibility and diligence, while all the time I was smiling like a fool.

I have never flet such a strong immediate liking to someone. And yet the sad thing was once If finished explaining it to Einar, I felt like somehow I had done something wrong - my mind was trying to tellm e it was silly to think I had just had a long conversation and joy without words with a man with an elephant head. Einar immediately put this down, saying that the first glimpse you see of something tells you its true form and intent. And to trust that, and not let that feeling of the brain telling me something is wrong witht it hold me back from the orgiinal thought and intent.

So now I'm looking up Ganesha, and I think I need to attempt to reach him again. Find out what he wants from me, what is happenening. The Hindus and Buddhists revere him as a god of change and new things - he is the first statue put in a new dwelling, and the first worshipped when starting a new endeavor.

I think that me and Ganesha are going to become very good friends. I will tell you more of what I learn about him. Now I'm going to read of my new buddy.

I feel very blessed to have contact with such a god. Very blessed.

My Therapy

I am attempting to bring out other creative aspects of myself in order to calm and strengthen my inner body - particularly heart (coughs uncomfortably). It turns out I have a faulty heart valve - a genetic thing - that was irritated by infection...which explains the excessive tiredness and out-of-breathness I#ve been going through.

Interestingly - it's stress-related, as well. Doctor recommends to change jobs. (So easily, it is NOT!) In the meantime, he recommends calming activiites, and I'm not really to run or work out with heavy weights anymore until he has had a chance over the next few months to check out my valve.

So I'm working on my calming therapy - at present, a betta.

Step 1(yesterday)
Step 2 - today
I plan that my betta will be in the entry way of our new room. We're not moving anywhere, just upstairs...the parents offered to completely renovate the room above ours to our specifications as a bald bribe to keep us close when a baby comes (you'll be the second to know, no worries about that).

And since I'm not one to turn down something like that, I took 'em up on it. I'm determining the room colours, design, etc., all based off Feng Shui principles, and since our entryway should be in blue, Mr. Fishy will have pride of place.

So exciting. And vaguely comforting. I like the calming effects of shmusching the paints together to create something from nothing. I already have other ideas, but the next one will be a red facial painting of a buddha face for the living room.

ooohhh.

Animal Familiars

Slade at Shift your Spirits has a great entry up on Animal Familiars.

Devoting this particular entry to my boy Cat and his brother Blue-the-cat.

They are enjoying my time at home by cleaningand fightin'.
Actually, I'm really enjoying being at home with them too.

Oh - tagged!

This is my first official tag, from Debbi (thank you!) and so I'll tell you eight things you might not know about me.

1. I'm seriously feeling myself drawn to Buddhism.

2. I see fairies.

3. I hardly have any friends. I don't know why. I just don't. I wish I had them tho, and am extremely thankful for the ones I do have. Quality over quantity, I keep telling myself.

4. I had a raccoon named Ike, a possum named Red and an appaloosa named Buffy as my childhood companions.

5. As much as I whinge about America, deep down I wish I was living there.

6. I am a very creative person - I will obsess over a painting, completing it in my mind before beginning it on canvas...I make jewelry too.

7. My hubs was love at first site - for both of us - and I gave up everything I had and had built to come to flippin' Germany to be with him. Happily ever after, all right?

8. I secretly long to be a masseuse and Shiatsu therapist, and am taking steps for the Shiatsu bit now. Happy happy!

I dunno anybody to tag, 'cause I doubt that anybody even reads anymore,but oh well! If you read this, tag!

Wow. a month inbetween

I'm so sorry, guys.

It's been a bit, and so I'll catch you up on what's happening here in Genny-land.

A big mess, that's what.

Have you ever heard that proverb, "be careful what you wish for, you might get it?"

Well, my wished-for job has turned into the evil stepmother, and now my health is failing.

I'm clearly not cut out for 18 hour days (that's six hours travel and 12 hours work), as I've developed an infection in my heart that has me out this entire week. But even before this, since the Reiki attunement that I received, I've been having issues.

There has been a great need in me to help people. And clearly, writing copy that stimulates a Russian mafioso to buy a fancy car is not that type of needing I'm talking about. It's a deeper thing, a thing where I want to help people with their inner problems, and work on their bodies to get out all the negativity.

My first case in point: the hubs. He has gone from mocking my Reiki to asking for it on the weekends when he is home. I can't believe the change in him, either. He's much more attuned to his feelings and much more able to relax now. So good thing.

So I seem to be feeling a change in the air, which frankly is needed. I go tomorrow into the cardiologist to find out what the hecks wrong with my heart. She says its all stress and lowered immunity. I am inclined to agree.

So I guess the timing is really good for my Reiki II attunement happening this weekend. If the first one bettered my human relationships, made me question myself and learn all these new things, make me consider buddhism as a true alternative religion that I could be interested in (news, right?) then I'm frankly afraid of what the next one will do.

oi.

Birthday reading

Courtesy of tarot.com, I got a birthday reading that I finally did. It really had some interesting issues within it...see below...I'd like your take on it as well, as it appears you've got much more experience at tarot than myself, I'm still a learner.

Self: Two of Coins

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Wait patiently for circumstances to sort themselves out.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

With the Two of Coins in this position, you are in the midst of a decision. A superficial examination reveals little difference between your alternatives, and trying to get hints from the environment isn't working, either. This situation is like trying to read a coin flipping in the air.

Be patient. Let some time pass so that circumstances have a chance to sort themselves out. As the coin falls, the situation's mixture of influences will reveal itself, and you will have a better basis for the choice or decision you have to make. It's easy in circumstances like these to feel an undue sense of urgency and to act before you think. But there is no need to respond too quickly at this time.

Situation: Five of Wands

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
When circumstances that were harmonious get conflicted, focus on the whole rather than your individual part.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

The Five of Wands in this position indicates something in the environment may be pitting you against your peers, your teammates, co-workers or family members. Once harmonious relationships could now be fraught with one-upmanship and negative comparisons.

It's very difficult to remain centered and not get caught up in conflicts and competition. In a situation like this, consider the big picture and don't get taken in by petty disagreements. Step back and try not to take things personally.

**** I think this has a lot to do with my job - we've got a new trainee in and I'm feelin' a little threatened. I know I have a unique position,, and I know I'm doing a good job, but sometimes I just can't hold back the worry. Today was one of those days, and grounding and centering myself didn't help.

---

Challenges/ Opportunities: Nine of Wands

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Giving someone else a chance to test their ability helps us learn to share in and support the achievements of others.

The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

When the Nine of Wands is in this position, the challenge is to resist the idea that you must swoop in and save the day. A person who instinctively leaps to heroics can fixate on the glory it will bring to the self, actually diminishing their capacity to serve the greater good. This is not to say you shouldn't do your personal best.

Sometimes we just need to stand back and let someone else have the glory, so we become better at sharing in and supporting others' accomplishments. There are usually enough challenging tasks to go around; it's not necessary for you to take the lead role in all of them.

***** Again, the job. I'm trying to take this to heart, I really am.

Foundation: Judgment

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You have paid your dues and understand the process.

The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background.

The Judgment card suggests that you have learned something about redemption. You have either done transformative work or have had a teacher. The experience has shown you how people survive and even flourish after deep inner work.

In the process of expanding your consciousness, you have learned how resourceful, deep and multidimensional a human being can be. Life force resurrects itself from the deepest levels no matter how tragic or sacrificial one's experience has been. When this mystery is fully understood, you will possess exceptional confidence and fearlessness.

*****I believe that this has a lot to do with REIKI and my attachment to this great healing way...because of it,, I'm searching myself much more honestly and I am considering doing Shiatsu as an adjunct...never to make money, only for myself. Or to volunteer. It brings out a side of me I never considered before.

Recent Past: Six of Cups

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Enact and embody those values from the past that can enrich your world today.

The card in the Recent Past position refers to events that are just departing, recently influential but now diminishing in power.

With the Six of Cups in this position, a recent experience is powerfully nostalgic. It draws your energy and attention away from current situations back to a memory that is still compelling. This inner image is strongly symbolic; it reminds you of what might have been. Although some elements of those cherished memories are worth bringing into your present life, don't spend too much time on memories.

If the experience nourishes you, then the best response is to generate more of the same kind of energy and share it with those around you. Think of those past experiences as examples of ways you can choose to be in the present. Let proven ideals and attitudes energize you now, no matter how much circumstances may have changed.

---

Higher Power: Ten of Coins

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Through you, gifts are carried forward from the past. Prove yourself worthy of this legacy.

The card in the Higher Power position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom.

When the Ten of Coins comes up in this position, it indicates that you are a link in a chain of souls that embodies achievement on a scale that could impact future generations. Such people provide the yeast that raises everyone's quality of life.

You must see to it that you remain worthy of this good fortune. Ask yourself how you can best use this unique position you are in. Look to your larger goals now. Because you have the connections, the funding, and the clout, it is up to you to bring them into manifestation.

***** I think this has something to do with a new pathway I'm discovering in myself. An urge to help others, which is really interesting for me, as I never really wanted to before. It's still all in abeyance, but it's there.

Near Future: The Emperor

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Your performance skills have drawn the attention of potential patrons and others.

The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies.

The Emperor in this position suggests that a powerful ally or a support system is coming available that may help carry you to the top. Your sincere efforts may have attracted the attention of someone truly influential. Perhaps some connections you had made are finally bearing fruit. Or it could be that you possess an idea whose time has come and the right investor or associate is conveniently at hand to help you out.

Now isn't the time for false modesty or insecurity. In truth, your abilities call forth opportunity. If people who wish to support excellence find their way to your doorstep, consider it a natural consequence of your own efforts. You may as well enjoy it and invite them in for tea!

***** This rocks, but I don't know what it's for. I figure I'll find out soon enough.

Blocks & Inhibitions: The Tower

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Sometimes the cost of self-control is simply too high.

The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections.

When the Tower appears in this position, you are suppressing a tremendous emotional charge and it is taking a toll on your body. This lightning bolt, instead of being released, finding its target, getting grounded and spending itself, is trapped within your body, zapping your internal organs and nervous system.

Consider whether you are suppressing a truth that should be acknowledged, spoken and acted upon. Taking those steps will set loose the lightning that creates permanent change. Allow your desperate desire to be on the other side of this issue to overcome the fear of invoking change. The energy is simply too intense to contain.

---

Allies: Wheel of Fortune

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Refresh your life with an infusion of new ideas and possibilities others can share with you.

The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive or helpful to you at this time.

The Wheel of Fortune in this position suggests that change is working for you. You are gaining some distance from the past. Stuck energy is dispersing and new patterns are forming. With this positive change comes new relationships, connections and opportunities. This card in this position recommends that you look for fresh contacts -- different kinds of minds and personalities to exchange with. Find a way to become exposed to the diversity the world offers and get a larger sense of how broad the spectrum of possibilities is. Spend time with others who share this quest. Keep your options open.

---

Advice: Page of Swords

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Circumstances call for anonymous action even if you would prefer to receive credit.

The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible.

When the Page of Swords (in some decks, a Princess) is in this position, the situation requires subtle change in order for it to be brought to the highest good for all concerned. In contrast to times when one can best serve the greater good by being visible and heroic, this is a time when you must keep your own counsel, cover your tracks and stealthily accomplish what would be impossible to complete without privacy.

Reduce your profile and increase your anonymity, no matter how your self-image might suffer. Although it would be gratifying to accomplish what needs to be done and be aboveboard about it, that cannot be a priority at present.

---

Long-term Potential: Four of Cups

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You are languishing in a dangerous morass of self-gratification; your spirit requires fresh energy and challenges.

The card in the Long-term Potential position points to unknowns still taking shape. It is the "wild card" yet to be played.

The Four of Cups in this position says that if you continue with too little to do and insufficient interest in what is around you, you may fall into a dangerous period of self-absorption, narcissism and unhealthy emotions. Separated from the fresh-flowing stream, you have been swept into a muddy eddy that lacks the cleansing effects of the current.

There is a danger of emotional, physical or mental toxicity from laziness or self-indulgence. How far do you really want to persist in this? How long can you tolerate something this boring and alienating? How can you break this trance and come alive again?

***** WTF? Where did this one come out of? Left field? I mean (giggle), is the universe telling me I'm wasting my time at a frickin advertising job or what? I think it's all in my path anyway, and I'm just doing what was laid out for me, but still.

I'd love any comments you guys have to make.

Happy birthday to me.

And a top of the morning to you, too.

Well, it's not actually my birthday. But it was yesterday. I had lots of nice calls, and today got hugs from everyone at work.

Yesterday, over the weekend, I took stock of my life. Do you do that? I do, every birthday. I do do it during the year, too, but mostly that day is one for reflection. No boozy parties for me, oh no.

I really like what I see developing. I did the Reiki - een wanting to do that for ages. I've come "out" of the broom closet to the hubs - who wasn't very surprised. I've stuck with this blog now a long time, long for me. I've got the cats, one of whom loves me and one who tolerates me but worships the hubs, and that is great. We're getting ready to finally buy a car - first one in three years - and I'll get to drive it to my work, thus cutting down on a huge amount of stress and negativity in the train. I am finding pathways in myself and re-habitualizing myself in ways I never would have thought. I'm finding an inner peace that just rocks.

What am I doing that is still bothering me? I tend to get negative real quick. I can't handle people around me - a crush of people just makes all my hair stand on end. I'm still drinking coke and eating sugar, and I've really tried to keep that down. I'm not working out like I should, but more than I did. My backbone is not as sharp and strong as I'd like...but at least I've reached the point where I feel comfortable starting things, which is a huge accomplishment.

What do I want to do this year? I want to do Reiki 2 in six to eight months, if possible. I want to renovate this room I'm living in - odds are we'll stay in Dortmund and I'll commute, which means we can have a far nicer room for what we'd pay for a hovel in Köln. I want to do the basic course in Shiatsu, with a planned path to making that more of my life. I want to find a way to help society out...the people in it. Maybe abused kids. After all, I know what they feel like, and I think I'd be able to do something there. I don't know what exactly, but it's something I really want to examine and make more of myself of. I want to lose the rest of this nasty weight I'm carrying around, but if I can#t do it all at once that's okay, I'll be patient. Oh - and keep the job past six months and get a raise.

Not too much to chew off, hmmm?? (sniff)

I'm putting this up here because I think I'll be doing this blog next year, and I want to hold myself acountable. I think it's possible to do.

So happy birthday to me. I'm on the right track I think.

Don't knock it til you've tried it.

SO.

Tonight I sit, having virtuously bathed and cleaned both the boy Cats, and I have a day off tomorrow...for ChristiHimmelfahrt, a Christian holiday (the German translation is "Christ drives to heaven" Isn't that funny? Dude probably owns a Prius). The Germans go BIG TIME for all the Christian days, some years we've got almost 1 holiday day a month for some Christian thing or other. Gotta love that.

But anyway. I had my first Reiki level two weekends (on Saturday 5.5) ago, and have had a little time for it to sink in, so to say.

I found my Reiki teacher online. My first requirement? That I felt intuitively that the person was good. I had looked at females and males, and really had felt that I should have a female teacher, but it didn't work out. Einar came in the picture and I felt very good towards him, so onward I went.

It was a four-hour train ride (with changes) getting there, but worth every minute. The scenery was great, the hubs wasn't there on the weekend and the boys had each other pretty well under control.

Start off: Einar is a total hippie, but I like it that way. He's lived in Tibet, and met up with the Dalai Lama, which I think is highly cool. So we talked a long time about Reiki, what it is, why I want it, and everything. He doesn't give it to just "anyone", he never does Distance initiations, as he feels that he needs to see the person's soul before agreeing to give them the Initiation (no naughtiness or anything, he just doesn't have that in him). I hadn't felt so calm around a male I'd hardly met before, and usually that is a real problem for me. So finally it came time, and he prepared the Reiki room, and ushered me in.

He started, and my eyes were closed. I was so worried - what if it didn't work, what if I couldn't do it, worst of all: what if it wasn't real, and people just screwed you out of money for nothing. Gradually, my whirling thoughts came into order, and I became aware of my spine tingling. And warm. It was the strangest thing ever. Sooo warm. And then a rushing of relaxation just washed over me, and I felt almost faint.

After the initiation, we went through the hand positions, and I gave myself Reiki, and afterwards was even more chill. I don't know how I got home...I think I was half comatose.

And I've made sure it's stuck. I take the time to do it to myself every day, and it's helped my meditation immensely. The Cats love it too - the new boy a little more, he will sit and take it as long as I give it to him. The Cat not so much - but I think that he is so stable and knows he is so well-loved (plus hasn't had anything bad happen to him in his whole life other than baths) that he doesn't need it as much. But the Blue Cat definitely. He adores it.

The difference in myself? I can feel it, when it comes through. It gives me so much relaxation and calmness, and my stress level has gone so much down, it is not even funny. (And this with someone from my work stealing my laptop this week - this tells you the level of calmness I've reached).

I really like it. Now I've got to work on my positions and my feeling for the energy of a person, then I'll do the second level with the distance healing signs...which will totally float my boat. But I have to wait - Einar believes that you must first work on the Reiki 1 to have Reiki 2 be strong.

So great.

GREAT blog

I've not always been a cat person. No really. Mostly I've been a dog person - until the Cat came along and conquered me utterly. Now I am a cat person. I still love dogs - don't get me wrong - but the cats really have a unique attitude on life that I've found I myself share in a lot of ways.

If you're a cat person - or you just really appreciate witty, charming writing - I would suggest you visit Abbie the Cat has a Posse. It's a blog, about a black cat and another, the Pirate cat. I know this sounds like total bosh, but believe me and just read it. Start at the beginning - 2001. It's one of the few truly unique blog voices I've found on the net that wasn't pagan-related.

So capital.

What I've Been Doing.

First off: er, sorry.

I had totally planned on writing during the week, but once again, it's got away from me. Here it is Sunday, and I'm writing the post I had planned for Wednesday at the latest. Oh well. Do please forgive me.

I've been flying a little low under the radar, as we got the new boy, Blue, 1.5 weeks ago. It's been quite an experience.

Poor little boy came out of the crate (he flew from Czech) so upset - and he was in the hubs' arms from the first moment - mot making another mistake like that again! He bonded well to him, tho. Purring and all that. We were a little overwhelmed by his condition - skin and bones was being far too charitable an impression of him. Seriously, he grossed us out - what *was* this owner doing to him?

We finally got him home - he slept in hubs arms on the way as I drove - and we went up to our flat and directly into another little pit of Hells.

The Cat Detested him. I mean, detested. I picked him up, the Cat, to cement his position as "my" cat, so he wouldn't get unneccessarily upset. Toooooo late.

He hated poor Bllue on sight. Followed him around, hassled him, bit him - the Cat is far more in condition than poor Blue, and used his weight to really push him around. I checked with my breeder friend, who said Sphynxes were really easy to assimilate, and wonder of wonders, she's never tried two adult castrated males together before. Poor Cat and Blue were the guinea pigs, I guess.

It went on for about a week, the Cat full of hate and poor Blue completely uncertain as to what he should do - but in the end, finally, they clicked.

Here are my two helpers in the kitchen:

He is very intent on eating everything in sight. But you can see, he is still quite skinny compared to the sumo-Cat (left).

This is the boys on a typical day now - FINALLY - as captured by the father-in-law when he came upstairs to check on them:

It's a cat paradise.

And here is our new boy Blue sleeping under the covers. He absolutely adores that. For the first few days when we thought he had ran away or was hiding, turns out he was sleeping under the blankets:

The Cat is also completely changed. As he gets all his aggression out running and playing with Blue, there are no more scarred hands on either me or hubs from playing with him. He's also MUCH happier with a friend. Much much happier. me too.

Long time, no hear

I'm back. More tomorrow, but I'm back.

I just had my first Reiki-level on Saturday, and experiencing some wonderful things. I'll bring you all up to speed this week, so never fear.

The Pagan - A Fat Odyssey

Something I read over at Witchvox the other day really rang a chord with me. I run around daily and see lots and lots of pagans...here in Germany, it's not a problem what you are, just don't broadcast it...and so I get to see a lot. This Witchvox article put into words what I've been seeing over here (and what is going on in the states, as well).

Why are a large percentage of pagans overweight, or really not in shape?

I can ask this because I'm a pagan, and I'm overweight. Oh sure, I can contribute it to a lot of factors: German chocolate (a doozy), 5 hours of commute and eating what I can find when I can find it, weird hours, weekends of eating with the Hubs, but when it comes down to it, I believe I have a lack of willpower.

You got it. I think I had a feeling of "well I'm pagan, I'm special, don't need to worry about all those outer trappings other people use". I was arrogant, and snobby, and I've paid for it.

I've gotten fat and there is no excuse to be like this. It'll end up killing me in the end, and lowering my quality of life. SO.

So, starting this week, I'm going to get up 30 minutes before I must, and do a taped workout. Every day. I'm going to watch what I eat at lunch and snacktimes will be dried apples or other fruits. This is killing me.

Literally.

Countdown

Well, he's coming - it's official, with a day and everything. On the 30th of April. No official name yet; we're calling him Blue. Here are his pics:
Pretty cute.
My buddy (the breeder) thinks that he just grew up, lost the cuteness phase, and combined with the mother of the owner (who hated him and abused him) the owner just fell out of love with him. Tragic.

For her.

Good for us. Little Blue is 2 years old - old enough not to get too horribly pommeled by the Cat - and in a desperate search for love and companionship. We've got it here in spades for him.

It'll be great to finally have him here. ;)

This week on the Copywitch

I always try to make up for the week on the weekend, and my poor misused blog is no exception. I'm working on details to make my life more liveable, and if they work out, then I'll have more time to blog. Can't do it at work; I'm so busy there there is no time except for email-checking. ;) Love it.

I discovered a fine room in Cologne, only to have the hubs dump on it as being "too far out". He doesn't realize the astronomical prices , or anything about it over there, and I feel like we aren't thinking far enough ahead - why move when Oma and Opa (Grandma and Grandpa) are here in Dortmund, we have the place rent-free, and they are ready-made babysitters for the little witch or wizard coming in a couple years?

Most of my tiredness and frustration comes from the three different trains I have to take every morning and the rude people on them. In the morning, I need my time to think and meditate. Can't do that on the train with a person snoring right next to you (or worse).

I'm gonna talk to hubs about purchasing an entirely new automobile (Vespa is, unfortunately, out) so that I can drive to work instead of take the train. I think that will, if not completely cure it, make the drive much more enjoyable and easy long-term. I'm thinking, right now, either a 2007 Honda Civic or a 2007 BMW 1 Series 5-door...I don't know if they are in the US yet (the BMW) but it's a far more chic, cheaper version of a BMW, and they are national cars, so should be cheaper on repairs.

The new Cat from my friend is a go. Hubs knew better than to mess with me on that, so he'll be coming end of this month (April) sooner if we can get a good flight. I'm excited - the Cat will finally have a playmate and we'll also be able to do such a good thing by taking this poor abused baby in. He'll be the hubs' Cat, and he's already really looking forward to "being in charge", so to say, of his very own cat.

Fun times.

Cleansing, Tuning and Charging your Stones

I knew that my crystals and gems should be cleansed of all outside energies after having them, but I long had a problem to figure out how to do it. Your stones are capable of holding your charged energy as well as absorbing energy from the environment around them: a very important reason to cleanse newly-aquired stones.

To charge and purify your stones:

Remember, that always your will and intuition will guide you. Keep the reasoning in the forefront of your mind, if you have a particular reason you are charging this stone. Otherwise, think of the purification and cleansing that the stone will feel.

1. Cleanse your crystal by holding it under running water for awhile. What I read recommended a stream, but as I don't live anywheres near a stream, I used the tap water. If you have genuine sea salt, sprinkle a little over your stone and cleanse it off with the water.
2. Use the sun and the light of the full moon to further charge your stone. What I read said either 24 hours, 3 days or 7 days, but I did one full evening of the full moon and the dark moon after. It seemed right to me. If you are more a "golden sun" person, use the sunlight, a "silver moon" person, the moon.

If you feel like, in a few months, you need to recharge, okay...do the same thing.

Alternatively, you can leave your stone on top of a large piece of amethyst for 24 hours, and that would help as well, amethyst being a cleansing stone.

Programming your stones:

Although I've read about it, I've not ever tried to program a crystal. I've thought about it, and I'm going to program some stone beads (that I'll get at my new stone store, see below) to make into a key chain for the hubs. He's leery of my herb magic, as he calls it, but he'd use a keychain I made for him.

I'm only wondering how I can program for another person. Probably the same way I programmed his ring for him (that he gets on his christian Easter holiday)

To do that, I decided what purpose the ring (now stone) was to have. For him particularly, the ring was a peaceful feeling, with love and calmness as afterthoughts.

Opening my top head chakra, I let white and golden light flow down through the ring that I held in both hands, visualizing the energy being soaked up like a sponge in the ring. The only words I spoke were "For Hubs".

He'll get it this next weekend, and I'm really looking forward to giving it to him. I think that this programming ritual would work equally well for a stone.

Feeling stone energies

Yesterday, on my free Saturday, I happened across a new stone store, chock-full of lovely beads of all my favourite types of stones. So, being somewhat unsettled in mind, I went in and got a few.

I have a silver dragon-head that has, at the end of it, a moonstone, and I got the brilliant idea to make a nice bracelet out of it. I chose (or rather, they chose me):

JADE - helps concentration, develops psychic powers and helps you discover deep parts of your personality;

AMETHYST - transformation and protection, cleansing. Promotes happiness and spiritual awareness. Helps with sleep and deflects negativity;

Tiger's eye - Helps you become more practical. Optimism that means success, and protects against negativity.

Lastly, my silver dragon has Moonstone, which: increases your intuition, helps to balance emotions, and protects against anxiety and stress.

My dragon, a side view:


Dragon and Tiger's eye, top:


From this view, you can see the Amethysts...


I am a big macrame-nut, so I knotted between the stones and the dragon, and used an opposites closure on the other side, leaving the jade free to swing back and forth.

I love it...obviously I need me some negativity protection and stress relief, as I'm feeling very insecure right now, and helping me with my intuition practice and practicality side.

It feels very nice and right on my hand. Looks good, too.

I always was most fond of natural stones when I was younger (doesn't that sound horrible). What I realize now is that they certainly helped me through some difficult times, even when I didn't know they were helping.

It's rather odd to think of a stone helping you out, or holding yourself to stabilize onesself, but it really works. I have a selection of larger ones I got at the Christmas market (I know, but it's rather pagan) that stick around at my computer. I'm thinking of taking some of them with me to work, the more protective stones.

Try it. Go into a gem or stone shop, and let your hand and eye trail leisurely over the selection. Feel a burning sensation, or a feeling of rightness? Let your hand settle on the one stone that seems to call to you. Pick it up, roll it around in your hand. Settle yourself and look "inside" the stone - reaching into your hand to feel the stone. Does it vibrate? Believe it or not, every stone has a different vibration, and the one you just chose stands to have a good chance to be on the same vibrational level that you are.

It's a wonderful feelinng, when it happens. They truly choose you, not the other way around.

Sometimes it's nice to be alone

Like today, f'instance. The hubs had to stay in Leizig this weekend. At first I thought it would be horrible, but actually, it wasn't so bad.

I stayed in my PJs. I had a bath. I don't have to share the computer or the internet this morning.

Of course the Cat, too, thinks that it is ideal. He has taken a position of utmost importance:

Right where he has the most say:

He is, as McDonalds says, "lovin' it".

He is also liking the fact that mummy went to a cat show yesterday and stocked him up on ball-toys that can be destroyed, and a mouse that runs all over the house.

He is very content.

Pity party? You betcha

Darnit all, I'm frustrated.

This morning a crow called out to me. How do I know me? He was sitting directly across from my bus stop staring straight at me.

What do I think he was saying?

"What are you doing, celtic female? You are wasting your life and your health through commuting! Find a room already - you need to get back to your religion!"

So true.

I've tried the train-thinking on it, writing on it, but it seems like I'm sinking into a tired, commuting slug. I'm getting fat, I don't see the cat and I am sitting on a train for five hours a day.

I've got to find a room. I'm looking, it is just not easy.

I miss searching inside myself for answers. I've had the same subject that I want to write about for days now but I can't get past the beginning without falling asleep.

On top of that, I think I'm getting sick. AND I have PMS. GRRR:

I'm waiting to hear back from a realtor about this one room. Honestly, if there are no holes in it, odd things or whatnot, I'm totally going to take it.

I am so over this and so FRUSTRATED.

Bleh

Our new cat fell through. Literally. Mum doesn't want him to fly from Britain to the great scary land of Europe, so.

Never fear, it's as if it should have happened. The breeder of my Cat contacted me on Friday. She has a returned Sphynx from her breeding. Why returned? The owner found out someone in the house had been ABUSING her cat. What did she do about this?

Nothing.

Just called the breeder to shove the cat onto her. Cow. It makes me wonder at the hearts of these individuals, honestly.

So we're getting a blue two-year-old cousin instead. Poor baby.

Law of Attraction

I haven't been able to check my favourite blogs ALL WEEK. Sigh. Hate that. Only negative thing about working like mad.

But I got caught up...and interested...by the buzz about the law of attraction as hidden in the Secret DVD. Have you seen it? I've long heard of it - I'm a copywriter, and all the freelancers were going nuts about it, it's magic, gonna save their lives, make em millionaires, etc....um hmmm.

BUT I must say, I found more sense about the Law of Attraction - as well as Gratitude - on the Steve Pavlina site....under here. He's a really interesting mix of self-employed do it yourself with new age tendencies...you've got lucid dreaming cheek-by-jowl with 10 stupid things self employeds do. Veeeedddy interesting.

Anyway, he's got it right, and I think Slade, who I agree with on manytopics and respect, has a lot of good things to say here.

What the Law of Attraction comes down to, to me, is this: what you send out into the world is going to come back your way. What you project is going to return. I'm not always 100% believing in karma, but I think that you are responsible for your own attitude and your outlook on the world. If you need a Law of Attraction written down in words to help you achieve it, then fine. But look into your soul and see if you don't have it written there in your thoughts.

I think you'll find it.

Happy Oestara!

Happy Oestara, everybody! The sun has crossed the equator and is now happily shining over what appears to be a lovely spring day.

Whee!

Take a moment to send some gratitude out to the ancestors and the universe, and have a great day!

Genhywfar and the Cat

Last one for today, I promise

I thought I'd give you an update on the train thing.

The aura imagining thing is working really well: I additionally ground myself into the core of the earth, as the ground is just too confusing for my head when the train is going.

I additionally had a visit from the faery inside my head about the train thing, who's mantra (through the entire night's dream, it was again, horrible) was that it was ALL IN MY HEAD.

I was creating my reality, I was doing this to myself, and only myself could "cure" me.

So I've been working on that, and hopefully it'll help.

Tarot work

I've had lots of time this week on the train and I've spent it by handling my little tarot deck of Fairies...picking a card per day...waiting on the book I ordered from the UK to get here about the tarot.

It is QUITE a good book! It talks about the history, the cards, how to get to know them, how to learn how to read them, etc. In fact, it made so much sense, that I've decided to learn each card in the way they talk about, and I feel really strongly about it being the right way for me todo it.

How does this work? Well, to put the cards in order (major and minor arcana) and then go through them one at a time, thinking about each card, it's significance, how I feel about the card when I look at it, hold it, think about it, and writing it down. My new journal will do admirably for this job.

The authors' premise is that you must first allow your intuition to learn the cards and merge with them properly, and that there are no "evil" or bad cards...there are just many meanings of them.

It makes me really excited, and so I'm going to work on it this week.

I also received (finally) a ring I had purchased for the hubby some time ago. It's ogham, a ring of peace, and I thought it would help him focus for his PHD studies. I'm planning on doing a really nice ritual onthe night of the next dark moon (before the Solstice Oestern) and sending lots of calming power and energy into it: here's a pic of it:Isn't it nice? I'm dancing with impatience until I can give it to him, and he probably won't understand the significance of it, but at least he'll have it. It's a really nice ring.

And (baby) makes four...

No, not a human baby. I'm trying to make up for the entire week of nothing with a few posts, to fill you in on where I'm at and what I'm doing.

Here is one part of what I have been doing. Meet our new boy. Right now, his name is Mischief. I'm calling him Ziggy in my head, but I'm sure he'll have a new name when he comes to us.

As I'm preparing to move to Cologne, I've been looking at (simultaneously) new rooms and new cats. ;) The Cat needs a friend, as the parents will no longer be there during the day to come up and talk to him, and besides, I just don't want him to be sad. We had always planned to have two, so they could keep each other company.

Ziggy comes from England, from a friend of mine there, and as she had his brother too, and I was looking for an older boy (the Cat is a total hard-partier, he'd annhialate a kitten) she offered him.

He has a blocked tear duct, which will mean some watching, but hey, he's a total love bug AND, most importantly, the hubs likes him alot.

So I guess he's ours.

Once we get moved in and settled, he'll fly in, hubs'll take a week off, and we'll all get down to bonding.

Good times, good times.

Leedle Survey!

Hello!

A short disclaimer: this has absolutely nothing to do with witchery, etc. This is purely a survey I want to know for myself. I also will say: it's a personal thing, and if you feel up to giving your opinion, I'd love to hear it.

There is a little dispute going on at the Genhywfar household(s). Namely this:

The hubs thinks that, as sex is fun, it should be shared. Meaning: If the opportunity comes up for random hookups then, the man should go for it. He quoted me that men think on average about sex every 45 seconds. I'd concur with that.

I think that sex is special and should not be handed around like candy to everyone willing to have a bite of you. I think that most females (if not all!) think of sex as a special bond with a man, and if they have sex one time with him, the bond is already being formed. That, as a female, the female goes for the relationship. And as such, if the man sleeps around, sooner or later he's going to have a Fatal Attraction on his hands.

This is about a friend of mine...she lives in Czech, is very devoted to her husband but found out that he has been sleeping around on her. Always with different women (ONE OF WHICH CALLED, which is how she found out) and only one time. But at least 4 times. She feels betrayed and hurt, which I can completely understand, and now her husband has a stalker.

Pretty picture? Nope. Hence the (above) discussion.

I'd really like to know what you think about this subject. In the hubs' camp? Or in mine? He firmly believes that there are women out there that are just promiscuous...and I think he's been reading too many fairy tales.

Your thoughts?

Ob da debil

Did you ever watch the Waterboy? Classic Adam Sandler.

Anyway, his mama has the ultimate downer "that's why, just accept it" when she says "xx is Ob Da Debil" (of the devil, fur you northerners).

I am in complete accord with mama Sandler about trains.

Trains are ob da debil. The Christian kind, because no pagan devil would be so cruel.

I've recently discovered I have an issue about trains; namely, I'm panicking the entire time in between Cologne (where I work) and the Train station (where I take the train to Dortmund), then I'm panicking on the train and can't sleep to Dortmund, then I panic in Dortmund to get the street train to where I live.

Two point five hours of panic is not cool.

I know why I panic: I'm afraid I'll miss the train. What will happen that is bad if I miss the train? You name it, natural disasters, I'll lose my job, the Cat will die, etc etc etc.

It makes absolutely no sense, but there it is.

I'm pretty sick of it by now. Yesterday I was reading on Blogical (sidebar) about feelings and auras, and wondered: am I not grounding myself enough when I get on the train? Are everybodys feelings rubbing off onto me? Maybe it's not me, but its just being dumped on me?

It was a valid question. I didn't have enough time to research it yesterday, but today I nought my first "outed" book. Your aura and your chakras, a guide. It had good reviews, we'll see how it really is.

I also practiced (the entire train trip) grounding myself and imaging my aura not merging or touching anybody elses, and I imagined it blue, for calm. It seemed to work; I felt a little calmer. I'm going to work on this this week and see what can be done with it.

I find myself jumping around a little in between subjects, and I don#t like that all that well. So I'm going to try and focus on this, then on something else...maybe that will be more efficient than a hodge-podge of stuff...we'll see.

How you doing? Been on a train lately? Grrr.

My friend is dead.

My friend is dead.

I came home tonight to find him gone.

I've known him for almost five years now; stalwart and strong, he stood across from the parents house with his brown bark and green furtree care...I didn't know German then. It didn't matter. I wasn't accepting of myself then. It didn't matter. He brought out the hidden parts of me even before I acknowledged them.

I'd come to care for him deeply since November...crossing the street to touch a branch, and send him a thought full of my love. I know he returned it. I would get tingles in my hand, his love token back.

Last night, I went over to him. It was late; I'd worked until 730 and didn't get home til 10, but he was watching for me. I was so tired, but not too tired to say hello. I went up and touched his green hand gently; he sent me a tingle in return. I sent him fondest thoughts, then went inside to the Cat and sleep.

Tonight, he is gone. I looked, as I always do, and missed a step.

He wasn't there.

I went and put my shopping on the porch, and walked over to where he had stood for so long. Sap oozed out his damaged trunk; soft whispers of him lay scattered on the ground, forgotten.

My poor tree.

They cut him down. He's dying now, slowly, agonizingly.

I can't stand it.

I picked up a small part of him that lay, alone, on the ground. The little part now stands at his funeral stand, in front of my candles all lit.

If you have a moment, put aside your cares and think of my poor friend.

I'm so sad.

Fun on the train

Well. Tonight I had to wait for an hour (bringing my total amount of on train time to 6.5 hours today, blech) in the train, as some kids were playing on the tracks. Playing.

And let me tell you, this is easy compared to the chaps that *jump in front of it* regularly in the winter. Jeez.

But guess what I did when I was waiting on the train?

Played with my new tarot deck.

That's right. First one ever.

I was in Leipzig last weekend (as you all know) and happened to go into the regular bookstore, where they had a huge selection of tarot card decks. The faery one (a miniature deck) jumped out at me, and so I took it (them??) home.

The illustrations are okay...at first I thought they were a little hokey but as the deck all but jumped in my hand, I didn't have an opportunity or possibility to take another. I was going off signs and the signs said to take that one.

I figure I'll play with it some more...move the cards around in my hands...read about what they represent, and try the daily card for awhile to get the hang of it. They feel warm and safe in my hands, so I'm assuming I got a good deck.

Any tarot books you can recommend?

Silver on my palm

I don't know what your feelings about psychics are. Mine were definitely ambigious for a large portion of my life - "what hacks" I thought (in my less aware states BP (Before Pagan)). But once I decided to go down the path, I wanted to give them a shot.

I found Erin through the Druid Journal, a lovely blog that I regularly go to for a more Druidic perspective. Before I thought about it, I read her blog, logged into Paypal and sent her money for a phone reading. Man was I nervous. I got an email back from her, asking for a time, and we talked a little on the email - me mostly trying to transfer my absolute fright over the internet. I mean, what happens if I don't have any guides? What happens if she reads me and finds out I'm a totally bad person (like my family tried to instill in me) what happens if she's a fraud?

Anyway, I waited with trepidation for the day it was. And so it began.

She called me, and talked to me for a little bit (mainly, "calm down, it's not horrible" kind of stuff.) She went quiet for a bit, and then she started.

"Your guides" (I exulted - I HAD GUIDES!!!) are sending me a picture of hot chocolate." (WTF?)

As we talked, it became clear that part of the reason I was here was to help my husband rediscover his joy and how to handle his emotions (she confirmed, as I suspected, that we were planned to be together. Such a nice feeling) That was a big part, and then she interrupted herself.

"wait - what is this about your mother??" I fell into a nervous panic. "What do you mean?"

She said my guides said that something I would have to relearn for myself was the fact that my parents lived in a fear place - tried to bring everything down to their level - and that NOTHING THEY DID - not the lack of love, the neglect, the other things - WAS MY FAULT.

By this time of course I was totally crying soundlessly, helplessly. My heart was burning. She said that was because my heart chakra had been closed, and was prised open a bit from our discussion. She said it was most important for me at this point to try and open my heart chakra, and to work on that. She recommende dexercises from her husbands and her blog, and said that I should try to work on that.

With the latest development - my subconsious faery and his litany of a couple nights ago - I believe she's right, and I've really got to work on that. I doN't know what happens when you open the heart chakra but I'm totally planning on doing it. This dream I had will help me, I think...those emotions were definite, powerful, overwhelming ones that affected me deeply.

I had a dream...

Man, last night was a doozy.

I'd just come to Leipzig to visit the hubs here (the Cat stays with Oma and Opa on these weekends) and I was of course, tired. I've been working (when I can, mostly in the train and at night before I go to sleep) on myself and trying to open my heart chakra, which seems to have a permanent closure tab pressed. (The psychic also told me about this, which was interesting, but more on that later).

So when I went to sleep last night, I was greeted by the sight of my old home (the one I grew up in) and I was the age around 13 or so. Bad things were happening during this time that I had no control of and no outside adult wanted to address. I ended up having an all-night conversation with my mother, one of those more outside people that wanted to ignore what was happening with my father. Shame on her, eternal shame, but there it is.

What I hadn't planned on (before going to bed that night, but then again, when do you ever plan for that?) was the return and overwhelming rush of feelings and emotions I had during that time. I had blocked this, frankly, around 15 and this entire part of my life was a black spot with murky clouds. But last night, I remembered them, and relived them again.

The hurt, the fear, the frustration, the feeling of being a second-class person in my family. The unwanted one.

I sat on the bed at a part of the dream and relived all the ignores and slights of my childhood - again, blocked out - and it was horrible. At this point I realized I had a little green faery on my shoulder, who, once he knew I was aware of him, started dispassionately pointing out all the emotional and natural problems I had - as if he was seeing all m inside thoughts. Such as, "here was the point where you became linked to animals and forever left humans behind", and "here was the point you gave up on people loving you" and on and on. It seemed to last days, and he pointed out all the problems I have today stem from this time in my life (the psychic also said this, but more on it later).

He struggled to keep me in the dream just as much as I struggled to be out of it, and finally I succeeded. I woke up and just started to cry. The hubs asked what happened, and I told him through my gasps and tears. To live through those emotions - when I had really locked them away and blocked them from my mind - was so overpowering.

I wanted of course to know why this happened now, when everything seems to be going so well for me. His thought (he's a wise boy) was that it is exactly because of this happiness and pride in myself that my unconscious decided to look at this time of my life. I'd already worked through the father abuse with him (my hubs is an empathetic holy man, one day I know he'll turn pagan) and he thought this was a really good step for me.

I think I need to meditate on it more, but the main things I took from it was the realization that my heart was tied to this part of my life, and this is when it closed. This is also the time that my creative energies were seriously blocked and never really recovered. So I need to meditate to bring this part more in focus and realize it was NOT my fault, nothing that happened, and I can't help the fact that I wasn't wanted by them.

Cause the hubs is right: now I'm wanted: by him, the Cat, the parents, my friends...now I am a wanted and valuable person. I'm sure at one point I'll be happy I had this dream, but I have never had such a dream as this, or such a faery visit me. I wonder at it.

Now I'm just exhausted, tho. Have you ever had any dream like this?

Pan I believe in magic

I realize that posts are a little hit and miss right now; for that, I apologize. I seem to be getting the hang of getting up so early, so maybe it'll be better.

Have you watched Pan's Labyrinth yet? Yes? No?

If not, getcha butt in there. It's amazing.

Better bloggers than me have reviewed it, but let me say: the background story is fantastic (to my eternal shame, I knew nothing about what happened in Spain during WWII) and really brought you into the story. The faeries (you'll see) and the man with an eye problem (ditto) were good, but let me tell you what stole the show:

Pan.

Pan as in, the old earth dweller with goat horns and legs. Absolutely stunning. I haven't seen anything to compare to that old man in cinema ever, almost. I can't put it into words, but he was a perfect representation of what I would envision Pan to look like: part of the earth, vines growing, and spirals decorating. Just brilliant. Every time he came on I was mesmerized.

I dragged the hubs along, as I really wanted him to see it, and he thought the world of Pan, too. Man.

I'm going to try and find a screenshot of him that I can put as the background to my computer screen. I think he's beautiful.

(WARNING: Do NOT take your kids to see this movie. It's very realistic, and very grown-up, and has some horrendous scenes. *shivers*)

Revelations

I was never one to count my worth by a job, but I never fully realized just how much I was letting myself down through them. What do I mean? I've been a pretty opportunistic (read: not picky) worker: I picked the job that was easily available. It didn't hurt when I was younger, but what I didn't think about was that those jobs would pigeon-hole me into a sector, and I'd be screwed.

It became worse once I came to Germany, and realized how strongly they focus on degrees (read: almost nothing else is looked at. Maybe, *maybe* your experience. Maybe)
I've found my mistake out now, tho. This job is perfect for me - perfect. I feel my creative self being used for the first time in my job (and not just outside it), I look around me now with pleasure, I see and feel my way.

Of course there are downers: five hour commute daily, staying late, keeps me from the hubs and the Cat, can't really post so daily anymore. But somehow it's okay, it's dealable, when the job makes sense and brings me this kind of satisfaction. I didn't think it was possible - holy cow, I have a career now.

The pure change from subdued, slightly resentful worker to active, intelligent coworker is some sort of dreamlike thing. There are ways to deal with those downers: I'm looking into a little brother for the Cat, to keep him from being so lonely; the hubs gets to fly instead of ride a train for five hours every week; I've got the ultimate train card that lets me ride any train I can get, and I'll move to Köln here sometime; writing the blog posts on the train...

For me, the positives far outweigh the negatives (at least for now, LOL). I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished (I taught myself this path from scratch and tears, and it took some time). Together with my witchy way, my Cat and the hubs, and this job, I feel ... happy. Truly happy. It's unbelievable. First time in my life.

It even helps my witch path in positive ways. Amazing.

What a switch, for this witch.

The Samhain Faery ring

During University, I worked at a polo club for one of the upper-class members and lived in a barn apartment there on the farm during the winter (insert dirty house joke here). I particularly liked living here, because at night I could take my dog and wander out through the polo fields down to the small forest that bordered the river.

I did it lots.

I've always loved Samhain - something about the moon on that night always made me want to be out in it. This Samhain I'm thinking of was no different, but I did go alone - no dog.

The night was already black by the time I went out, and the moon hung full and heavy, orange: a hunters moon. It was windy, tho - the trees bordering the club whipped around on their trunks, and for a long while it was really howling.

When I was walking across the fields, I kept hearing music in bits and snatches, as it was swept away by the wind. There are lots of houses bordering one side of the club, so I just assumed that hey, that's what it was, and kept on walking, 'til:

I saw a fairy ring. Wide (about 2 feet by 2 feet) with perfectly exact little toadstools all about 2-2.5 inches high, in a small yet perfect ring. I was really shocked - it was directly in the middle of the polo field, and glowed ever-so-slightly (just the light of the moon bouncing off the white of the toadstools, I nervously said to myself) and certainly wasn't there earlier in the night. It wasn't muggy, hadn't rained - there was *no reason* for this ring to be here!

Freaked out? You betcha.

So what did this idiot do? Took a deep breath and stepped into it, and gently sat down.

The wind was quieter, and I could hear the singing and music. It wasn't normal music tho, there seemed to be harps or guitars or something - acoustic, if you will. It was a big party tho - whatever they were doing, they were doing it with a vengeance. I just sat there, looking around.

Then I saw five tall, white (or grey, very insubstantial) robed shapes silently watching me from outside the circle, about seven feet away. Their robes weren't moving with the wind, you couldn't see their faces or their hands, but they were there, watching. The cowls of their robes were pointed my way.

I think I probably jumped about 3 feet in the air. I fell back to earth with a crash (I mean, I was really kind of just giddy-chilly if you know what I mean, just relaxing and checking out the view from inside the circle) and got up, standing, inside the circle. I looked down, and my cloak wasn't blowing, it was still.

I wanted to be with them so badly, suddenly. This weird urge just came up over me, so strong. Had to go, get to them, had to catch them and go where they were going. As soon as I realized that, they started to move away, very fleet and light - their robes rippled very slowly with the passing of the wind. I leapt out of the circle and followed them.

Now, looking back, I don't think I was in quite the right mind. My irish grandmother had filled me full of stories about the "little people" and what they did to people they caught, and I'd been blatantly sitting in their ring on Samhain night - not the most intelligent thing to do. But hey, there it was, and I was moon blinded or something. And they weren't little people, they were tall.

So I chased them madly through the woods, never getting closer than five feet (they did seem to be staying in sight deliberately). Finally, I had to stop; I was so tired. The last bit of music I could hear drifted after them, and vanished into the night.

I made my way back to my mundane existence slowly and with great reluctance. I had almost met and talked with something that was so beyond me, but I didn't have the stamina. I was so depressed.

When I got home, I took a shower and examined all the horrible scrapes and bruises I'd accumulated, then passed out and went to sleep. I didn't wake up 200 years later, or find out my entire family had died, but it was still very odd to wake up and think about what I'd seen.

I still don't know what those tall shapes were, or why they were watching me. I don't know why I went into the faery ring, but I did. I still have no answers for it, I just wrack it up to something I had to see by someone. Any thoughts?

If they would have asked me if I wanted to come, I probably would have gone. Scary.

Goodness!

So this morning I'm free of any type of work (until 3 pm, that is) and I've been doing one of my absolute favourite-est things in the world: net surfing while the Cat twitches, dreaming, in his CatSack.

Honestly. I love it.

I also really like the WildHunt Blog. He opens up worlds within Paganism that I sometimes find completely amazing, yet somehow believable.

Case in point: Otherkin.

Do you know what they are? Humans that believe that they are: elves, angels, dragons, trolls, animals, etc. Not just think they are. They are that creature locked into a human body. It's absolutely fascinating.

Me, in my ditziness, never even dreamed something like that was out there. I mean, it does make sense. You can be whatever you wanna be in my book, as long as you don't hurt anybody doing it. I spent some time going through websites linked to the Otherkin this morning, and well, the people do resemble their favourites (one case in particular, a long tall rangy skinny chap with a honking nose and flame-red hair believed himself to be a dragon. It was no feat of imagination to envision him as one. Logical, really, right?).

And you know what? Who am I to say "nope, can't be" for them? I mean, c'mon, I live with a fairy named Eli, a Cat that talks to me, a world filled with sparkling brightness where I am a native walker therein. Many would think I'm nuts!

It's just amazing, the diversity.

Back to the webpage. But take a look and see what you think. BTW - what is your position on Otherkin? Do you think they belong within the Pagan sphere or somewhere outside it?

Ah, it's the little things

Just sitting here searching through flats in Köln, where the new job is. It's bloddy expensive, moreso than I thought. It's a gigantic gigantic city, and I'm going to live there (giddy). Probably in 4-5 months, at least.

The world being what it is today, I'm having serious issues thinking about buying a car. The hubs wants one, he believes we need it. I'm not so sure, as a) I really have gotten used to not paying for them LOL b) they are so *dirty* to the world, and c) they're expensive to buy!

So, just for fun, I was searching through the internet and I think I'm in love:



Only problem is I don't know how to drive it. It's a Vespa, 50 ccs, so it's small, and versatile. They drive them here lots, tho less than in Italy, I must say. I'm enamoured with the idea of driving it.

But then, being me, I'd want cute retro helmets and stuff, and I dont know if I can find it. If I can, I'm going to prepare an argument and then I'm hitting hubs up.

I'm off to search for helmets. More deep thoughts coming tomorrow. ;)

Clair-things

I regularly skip through the internet, picking up things here and there. This was one of the coolest sites I have found (thanks Jeff).

Shift your spirits is a website set up by a man that is a psychic and used to do readings for people, but then was set on a different path - to actually teach people how to do it themselves. I've read everything in his blog (which I do sometimes, if I find it particularly interesting) and one post jumped out at me.

This post discussed Clairaudience.

Think about it: when you read emails from people, or a book, or a magazine article, or whatever (as long as it's written word) whose voice do you hear? Yours? Stop and think about it.

I can say I hear totally different voices for those I read *depending*. On what? My level of involvement in the reading material, how long I've been reading things from them, etc. Last night I went back to my favourite blogs and read through them all, getting a particularly different voice from each (and writing down my impressions of the voice I was hearing). I then went to my two favourite books and read them. Each is different!

What I wonder is if the voices I hear in my head are the voices of you guys out there. I would love to create an experiment and read a blog, then call you, to compare what I heard in my head vs the ear.

Wouldn't that be interesting?

A short thanks

Well, mission accomplished! Part-time job advised that the weather is turning, new job accepted, feelin' good. I'll probably move the family in three or four months, which isn't so horrible as I'll pay a pretty penny to ride the really fast trains during the week. That should make it nicer.

It's such a tremendous weight off. I'm just so purely happy I can hardly stand it.

I have lots of posts and ideas running around in my head, and since I have a 1.5 hour train ride morning and night, I've decided I'll write them up (on paper if need be, but soon I'm getting a MAC!!) and post them at night or at lunch. I have lots to do there (does happy jig) so I can't do it now like I was used to.

It got me thinking about what Autumn Zephyr said at her blog about her THING. It's a totally good question...I managed to do something in University that got me absolutely nowhere (Journalism and PR) but then screwed around and didn't do anything that was particularly my thing for a long time. I was rather a free spirit.

I'm only just getting into my thing since I've been in Germany and really looked at my options. What is my thing? You're going to laugh, but really, this job is the perfect example of my thing: Writing. Editing. English. I've had a love affair with words from the time I was tiny, and it doesn't show any signs of abating, thankfully.

My other thing tho is my personal time. Like AZ, I'm many things...artist, reader, flute and bassoon player, runner, animal lover, owned by a Cat. Witch. Those last two things become very important to me, since I've "come out". I couldn't do any of those on their own, but when meshed with the whole I find I'm entirely satisfied with the way that my life is turning out.

Now if I could just get the hubs in the same city as me. But we'll figure it out at one point. Just another thing to work on.

** update: the meditation thing is moving but slowly. The visualization is the best way to go here, and I have a post on that in my head, too....

Hugs to you all!

whee -

I

GOT

IT.

I

GOT

IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh holy gods and little fishies, I got it.

More tomorrow. Officially on cloud 9!

WHEEEEE

A Monday morning poem

I turn around, around,
I salute you, four corners.
I salute you, wind.
I salute you, rain.
I salute you, sun.
I salute you, earth.

I feel your power.

I send you love, my hubs,
I send you love, my Cat,
I send you love, my boy-dog,
I send you love, my friends,
I send you love, my Earth,

I'm sending you my power.

Freedom in the air,
Optimism is glowing.

We all share the power, we all are One.

- anonymous (adapted)

Well, Eli'll be happy

Faerie: Aren't you a cute little flying person? Faeries are earth spirits. They live among each element completely hidden. They have cousins called Pixies. Pixies however, are very mischevious. They enjoy tormenting other creatures for fun. Little pranksters.. I hope you never meet one. Pixies have a bad reputation for finding a creature and clinging to them until death. Faeries can be somewhat close to a Pixie, but mostly they are loving, playful, and carry with them a child-like enthusiasm for life. Hide among the pedals of a Daisy, you are a Faerie.

Thanks, Steph, for the fun Sunday stuff!